Haven't posted a blog for awhile, been distracted with preparing to go to court once again to garner therapeutic access to my 14 year old daughter. Was in court in July on the matter and while I was not declined, I had to meet the disclosure requirements of an old order for information from 2002. Now I ask, how is that relevant. But I have come to realize that a Justice can issue an order that is reasonable or unreasonable, depending "aribtrarily" on their opinion in the family courts in Canada.
To say reform is required is an understatement. For a justice to make a decision on the therapeutic and psychological needs of a child, where there is no physical, sexual or emotional abuse, is really just a matter of opinion. And frankly, I have come to realize that my kids have no voice whatsoever so essentially my ex-husband, his lawyer and the Justice have decided the needs of my child without any psychological assessments or opinion. Injustice for both my daughter, my son and myself.
But to fight with a fight will just end in more hate. So I embarked on a spiritual journey, asking God for help, praying, pleading and more prayer. That has been a year and sadly, I don't believe God controls the family courts either.
So as I embark on yet another trip to the courtroom in April, armed with dated, stale and dusty disclosure that has NO relevance, I now pray for the strength to deal with what I trust will be more injustice. Does that make me negative. Hmmm, I have held out hope for over 8 years, exhausted my net worth, destroyed years of my life and who knows what effect that has had on my children. Because sadly, the effects of living without a parent may not rear themselves for years when they marry or have their own kids, or get hit with some form of mental illness or addiction.
I say it is the family court system that plays God, and that is a sad statement about justice.
Friday, 20 March 2015
Thursday, 20 February 2014
Family Structures through Divorce
Family systems theory describes families as operating like the solar system: each member of the family has a “pull” on every other member of the family – like gravity pulls planets towards each other and other forces push them away, so that they stay in balance spinning around each other in a predictable orbit. Family systems have many common characteristics, including the following:
They are powerful: Family systems are a powerful source of support. You can take them for granted. Family members will consistently act in predictable ways, so you don’t have to guess each day. You can focus on what your tasks are and respond fairly automatically to each other. In this regard, a family system is like a personality – very predictable, so that you know what you can get from whom, when and where without putting a lot of energy into thinking about it. Family systems have built houses, companies (family businesses are everywhere) and nations (dynasties). For example, most successful Olympic athletes, musicians and actors had strong family support – from a very young age. The family system organized itself around their success.
They seek stability: A family system develops standard ways of doing things. The whole family participates in enforcing its code of conduct, values and roles people play in it. Even young children tell each other, their parents and their toys how they should or shouldn’t behave, which helps them learn the rules of the family system and follow them. Family secrets are kept, so that the family system is not thrown off balance. The more dysfunctional the family, the more rigid the roles to help keep it stable, the more extreme behavior and the more secrets to keep it as stable as possible. Everyone is part of the family system – no member is an “island.”
They create roles: In every family system, everyone develops a role. One member talks a lot and another may be quiet. One person is highly competent at one skill and another is good at something else. In traditional family systems, especially in rural societies, the roles have been very clear-cut. In modern times, roles are more flexible and may overlap, as family members interact with the larger society. This can cause instability, so that the family may spend more time arguing over roles or members may simply leave the family system and have little or no contact.
They are part of larger social systems: Family systems, like “nuclear families” (two parents and their child or children), are part of larger extended families, which are part of communities, which are part of regional cultures, which are part of nations and world social systems. The values, rules and behaviors of these larger social systems strongly influence smaller family social systems. As one changes, so do the others – but not necessarily happily so.
They are resistant to change: In times of threat from outside of a family system, the family can be very powerful, because everyone automatically knows how to behave and what their roles are. Regardless of internal squabbles, family systems can be strong in jointly warding off danger – especially threats to the family system. This includes resistance to positive changes. They maintain the status quo at all costs. They don’t let people change their behavior very much. They are always aiming for stability, like a ship at sea trying to balance itself in a storm.
In terms of the separation and divorce process (we now speak of “separation and divorce” because so many couples no longer get married), the relationship of Family Court to family systems has changed dramatically in the past few decades.
Individual over the family: Divorce laws gave social permission for people to get divorced at will, simply due to “irreconcilable differences.” If one person wants a divorce, they will have it. This creates an ease of disruption that impacts the whole family system. Rather than having skills to cope with these significant changes, many families instinctively put all their energy into resisting these changes in order to stabilize the family system – either by engaging in abusive behavior or publically blaming each other in an effort to get the public to force them to behave.
Lack of continuity: Families don’t last to raise the children in one household. The average age of children when their parents divorce is around 6 or 7 today. This means that they will be raised in two households longer than they were raised in one household all together.
Equal roles: In the past, one family member was the “breadwinner” and the other raised the children. In divorce 20-30 years ago, one family member often left the family system and the remaining parent raised the children. Now, both parents are expected to work and both want to raise the children. Both need new skills for cooperating in ways they never did before.
Starting around the 1990’s, surprising changes occurred. Methods such as mediation and attorney negotiation took over the role of courts in family decision-making. Lawyers and mediators simply educated the parties about the laws that had been established over the prior 20 years and the parties started avoiding court all together.
But at the same time, the remaining cases in family courts started to focus on family violence, restraining orders, child alienation and supervised visitation. These were the families who were unable to make the shift to the “new world family order.” Much of the family violence was perpetrated by men who saw themselves in the traditional role of being “head of the family.” Their violence (often reactive and unplanned) was aimed at keeping their wives in the family and under their control. Much of the alienation and false allegations were perpetrated by women who saw themselves in the traditional role of “in charge of the children.” Their efforts (often unconscious) seemed to be to resist the changes to equal roles in shared parenting.
Non-adversarial methods are needed for today’s family court cases. That is why methods such as mediation, collaborative divorce, attorneys assisting in negotiations and judicial dispute resolution are the way of the future – especially for these family systems in pain and resistant to the changes of the larger society. This is why skills training is needed for the whole family to help the whole family system go through these changes and into new forms.
Family systems – especially dysfunctional family systems – will resist family courts until we learn these lessons. This is not to say that there is not a role for family courts – it’s a different role which needs new knowledge and skills for understanding and managing dysfunctional family systems and their common mental health issues today.
They are powerful: Family systems are a powerful source of support. You can take them for granted. Family members will consistently act in predictable ways, so you don’t have to guess each day. You can focus on what your tasks are and respond fairly automatically to each other. In this regard, a family system is like a personality – very predictable, so that you know what you can get from whom, when and where without putting a lot of energy into thinking about it. Family systems have built houses, companies (family businesses are everywhere) and nations (dynasties). For example, most successful Olympic athletes, musicians and actors had strong family support – from a very young age. The family system organized itself around their success.
They seek stability: A family system develops standard ways of doing things. The whole family participates in enforcing its code of conduct, values and roles people play in it. Even young children tell each other, their parents and their toys how they should or shouldn’t behave, which helps them learn the rules of the family system and follow them. Family secrets are kept, so that the family system is not thrown off balance. The more dysfunctional the family, the more rigid the roles to help keep it stable, the more extreme behavior and the more secrets to keep it as stable as possible. Everyone is part of the family system – no member is an “island.”
They create roles: In every family system, everyone develops a role. One member talks a lot and another may be quiet. One person is highly competent at one skill and another is good at something else. In traditional family systems, especially in rural societies, the roles have been very clear-cut. In modern times, roles are more flexible and may overlap, as family members interact with the larger society. This can cause instability, so that the family may spend more time arguing over roles or members may simply leave the family system and have little or no contact.
They are part of larger social systems: Family systems, like “nuclear families” (two parents and their child or children), are part of larger extended families, which are part of communities, which are part of regional cultures, which are part of nations and world social systems. The values, rules and behaviors of these larger social systems strongly influence smaller family social systems. As one changes, so do the others – but not necessarily happily so.
They are resistant to change: In times of threat from outside of a family system, the family can be very powerful, because everyone automatically knows how to behave and what their roles are. Regardless of internal squabbles, family systems can be strong in jointly warding off danger – especially threats to the family system. This includes resistance to positive changes. They maintain the status quo at all costs. They don’t let people change their behavior very much. They are always aiming for stability, like a ship at sea trying to balance itself in a storm.
Today’s Social Changes Regarding Marriage
Since about 1970, there have been dramatic changes in our larger social systems and within families around the world. We are shifting from fairly rigid family structures to quite flexible family structures. Freedom to divorce, gay marriage, multi-racial households, children born to unmarried parents, people living alone and a multitude of other changes are having unpredictable affects on the future of family systems and larger social systems.In terms of the separation and divorce process (we now speak of “separation and divorce” because so many couples no longer get married), the relationship of Family Court to family systems has changed dramatically in the past few decades.
Individual over the family: Divorce laws gave social permission for people to get divorced at will, simply due to “irreconcilable differences.” If one person wants a divorce, they will have it. This creates an ease of disruption that impacts the whole family system. Rather than having skills to cope with these significant changes, many families instinctively put all their energy into resisting these changes in order to stabilize the family system – either by engaging in abusive behavior or publically blaming each other in an effort to get the public to force them to behave.
Lack of continuity: Families don’t last to raise the children in one household. The average age of children when their parents divorce is around 6 or 7 today. This means that they will be raised in two households longer than they were raised in one household all together.
Equal roles: In the past, one family member was the “breadwinner” and the other raised the children. In divorce 20-30 years ago, one family member often left the family system and the remaining parent raised the children. Now, both parents are expected to work and both want to raise the children. Both need new skills for cooperating in ways they never did before.
The Changing Role of Family Court
From approximately the 1970s to the 1990’s, family courts have been setting divorce policies that define these changes. Parenting is supposed to include “significant time” with both parents. Both parents are supposed to earn an income and child support and spousal support are supposed to adjust for differences in earning ability. Former spouses are free to engage in sexual activity of their own choosing. “Get over it” is a common expression heard in family courts, when one party resists the changes of the other. The individual is primary now. During this time period, the divorce rate rose to about fifty percent of marriages. Courts made decisions, the parties’ followed the court’s authority and new family routines were established.Starting around the 1990’s, surprising changes occurred. Methods such as mediation and attorney negotiation took over the role of courts in family decision-making. Lawyers and mediators simply educated the parties about the laws that had been established over the prior 20 years and the parties started avoiding court all together.
But at the same time, the remaining cases in family courts started to focus on family violence, restraining orders, child alienation and supervised visitation. These were the families who were unable to make the shift to the “new world family order.” Much of the family violence was perpetrated by men who saw themselves in the traditional role of being “head of the family.” Their violence (often reactive and unplanned) was aimed at keeping their wives in the family and under their control. Much of the alienation and false allegations were perpetrated by women who saw themselves in the traditional role of “in charge of the children.” Their efforts (often unconscious) seemed to be to resist the changes to equal roles in shared parenting.
Why the Adversarial Process Fails Today
Today, the family court process of litigation has been abandoned by most families, who can make their decisions out of court – with or without professional assistance. They have the skills to cooperate at a level that can manage the transitions that go with their new family structures. The families who are going to court today are those who do not have the negotiation skills nor the emotional healing skills to manage on their own. Yet putting them through the traditional litigation process simple exaggerates their resistance to everything – changing roles, loss of partners and shared parenting. Many of these families have one or two parents with personality disorders – which are increasing during this time of rapid change in our society. The adversarial process makes them behave worse and does little to truly understand their underlying problems.Non-adversarial methods are needed for today’s family court cases. That is why methods such as mediation, collaborative divorce, attorneys assisting in negotiations and judicial dispute resolution are the way of the future – especially for these family systems in pain and resistant to the changes of the larger society. This is why skills training is needed for the whole family to help the whole family system go through these changes and into new forms.
Family systems – especially dysfunctional family systems – will resist family courts until we learn these lessons. This is not to say that there is not a role for family courts – it’s a different role which needs new knowledge and skills for understanding and managing dysfunctional family systems and their common mental health issues today.
Tuesday, 11 February 2014
Sunday, 9 February 2014
Monday, 27 January 2014
I thought I would republish this....
A Poem for the innocent children who are told "To soldier on"
Dear God,
Tonight I see a midnight sky, stars ordered in brilliant disarray, the man on the moon, the little dipper, the big dipper too, the two star collections that Harry and I call the "mommy dream catchers."
Tucked in my bed, the smell of mommy's perfume lingering on my pillow, her picture in my hand, I anxiously wait for velvet bear...that is mommy's nickname for my big brother Harry....We do this every night just to peek for the shooting star, hands outreached, we giggle as we try to catch her..."Harry quick, that's her, see? That is mommy's sky message!" I close my eyes, make a wish and blow her a kiss, my lips on hers. Tender.
God, can she feel me?
Pensive and teary velvet bear gently rolls his head to me and says, "yeah silly goose, that's her." As I reach for his hand, I whisper, "I love you velvet bear, hold me tight on this starry night." Does Harry know his heart can cry too?
God do you see her, can you touch her? Please hold her tight, I am so worried she is afraid....she always left a light on. It's too dark outside for her....
I wipe his tears and kiss his cheek, solid soldier he has become, my hero. We soldier on. We do as we are told.
Our nightly ritual, secretly held, we know no one can bear witness so our dream catcher is on guard, our fingers entangle, a nest we make with hopes she will fall from the midnight sky, it feels so real. Mommy we are here, fall into our love.
God can you feel us, we are here.
A box of treasured memories hidden deep in our hearts, a lifetime of love and adventure cut short, abruptly torn from our souls. A locket of blonde hair, cards beginning to fade, tattered corners from my endless need for them. Every word locked in my mind. Over and over.
But God, we do as we are told, silent soldiers we have become.
A summer day, we water the butterfly tree......a gift from mommy...she is our papillion, we marvel at the splendor of her, her eyes would always twinkle when we shrieked at the first flutter creature of summer, we chase the whirring wings and softly the dance is done as she lands with ease, gently, so gently...butterfly kisses.....lash to lash, love to love, hope.
God can you see her fly? Unwrap her wings for me.
We crave her laughter, her tales of that silly spaceship that made us fall into the softness of our beds, my magic purse and songs so goofy we just had to dance. God please know that our stage needs more than two to Tango.
But we soldier on, clickity clak and rinny tin tin, rusty soldiers we become.....but we do as we are told.
God I am still so small and my world is a maze with thoughts of hope, candy floss, merry-go- rounds and simple things, my shoulders hurt, my feet ache, I can no longer soldier on.
We can no longer soldier on....please end our war, please hear our prayers, we can no longer soldier on.
Good night midnight sky. Good night mommy.
Love Skylar
Tonight I see a midnight sky, stars ordered in brilliant disarray, the man on the moon, the little dipper, the big dipper too, the two star collections that Harry and I call the "mommy dream catchers."
Tucked in my bed, the smell of mommy's perfume lingering on my pillow, her picture in my hand, I anxiously wait for velvet bear...that is mommy's nickname for my big brother Harry....We do this every night just to peek for the shooting star, hands outreached, we giggle as we try to catch her..."Harry quick, that's her, see? That is mommy's sky message!" I close my eyes, make a wish and blow her a kiss, my lips on hers. Tender.
God, can she feel me?
Pensive and teary velvet bear gently rolls his head to me and says, "yeah silly goose, that's her." As I reach for his hand, I whisper, "I love you velvet bear, hold me tight on this starry night." Does Harry know his heart can cry too?
God do you see her, can you touch her? Please hold her tight, I am so worried she is afraid....she always left a light on. It's too dark outside for her....
I wipe his tears and kiss his cheek, solid soldier he has become, my hero. We soldier on. We do as we are told.
Our nightly ritual, secretly held, we know no one can bear witness so our dream catcher is on guard, our fingers entangle, a nest we make with hopes she will fall from the midnight sky, it feels so real. Mommy we are here, fall into our love.
God can you feel us, we are here.
A box of treasured memories hidden deep in our hearts, a lifetime of love and adventure cut short, abruptly torn from our souls. A locket of blonde hair, cards beginning to fade, tattered corners from my endless need for them. Every word locked in my mind. Over and over.
But God, we do as we are told, silent soldiers we have become.
A summer day, we water the butterfly tree......a gift from mommy...she is our papillion, we marvel at the splendor of her, her eyes would always twinkle when we shrieked at the first flutter creature of summer, we chase the whirring wings and softly the dance is done as she lands with ease, gently, so gently...butterfly kisses.....lash to lash, love to love, hope.
God can you see her fly? Unwrap her wings for me.
We crave her laughter, her tales of that silly spaceship that made us fall into the softness of our beds, my magic purse and songs so goofy we just had to dance. God please know that our stage needs more than two to Tango.
But we soldier on, clickity clak and rinny tin tin, rusty soldiers we become.....but we do as we are told.
God I am still so small and my world is a maze with thoughts of hope, candy floss, merry-go- rounds and simple things, my shoulders hurt, my feet ache, I can no longer soldier on.
We can no longer soldier on....please end our war, please hear our prayers, we can no longer soldier on.
Good night midnight sky. Good night mommy.
Love Skylar
Changes in the Courts attitude
I am headed to court on a "reintegration" strategy with my children. After years of approaching the courts from many vantage points, exhausting my net worth, depleting my hope and sense of self and pushing myself further into self hatred that fuelled my addiction, I feel hope.
It is a therapeutic intervention in the most simple sense. A request, that despite addiction issues have been at play, that a child deserves the right to know its birth parent. A child should be allowed to choose what type of relationship to have with the parent that has suffered from addiction. Because this parent is and will always be a part of him or her.
The Courts, having been lobbied by leading lawyers and therapists, have finally decided it is time to build bridges in families as opposed to tearing them apart.
More to follow....
Stay positive.
It is a therapeutic intervention in the most simple sense. A request, that despite addiction issues have been at play, that a child deserves the right to know its birth parent. A child should be allowed to choose what type of relationship to have with the parent that has suffered from addiction. Because this parent is and will always be a part of him or her.
The Courts, having been lobbied by leading lawyers and therapists, have finally decided it is time to build bridges in families as opposed to tearing them apart.
More to follow....
Stay positive.
Tuesday, 10 July 2012
For more information on the following post, go to Divorce For Men by Carey Linde....
posted on
posted on
Parental Alienation is a disorder found in many children with
divorcing parents. This syndrome is an estrangement of the child from
one parent, caused by the intentional (or unconcious) efforts of the
other parent. The process involves the alienating parent making
defamatory comments and hostile statements about the target parent in
front of the child on a regular basis, in an effort to manipulate the
child’s feelings towards them.
This results in the child displaying hostile behaviour, including insulting, humiliating and belittling comments, agression, and false accusations towards the target parent. The comments, accusations, and statements are ongoing and almost always unjustified. This behaviour can extend to the target parent’s friends and family as well.
Carey Linde was one of the first lawyers in Canada, and remains senior, in the field of Parental Alienation and Parental Alienation Syndrome. He is experienced in filing against the parent who has set out to alienate a child from the other parent, sabatoge the bond between the child and that parent, and in every possible way remove that parent and their family from the life of the child.
The lawyers at the Law Offices of Carey Linde strongly believe that every child needs both parents equally in their lives. Their goal is to overcome any obstacles necessary in order to ensure that this happens. The best interest of the children involved is always the primary goal, and their experience in handling this kind of difficult situation helps make the process less trying for their clients.
For more information on Parental Alienation, please see our PAS Resources Section.
This section can be found on Divorce For Men - Carey Linde
This results in the child displaying hostile behaviour, including insulting, humiliating and belittling comments, agression, and false accusations towards the target parent. The comments, accusations, and statements are ongoing and almost always unjustified. This behaviour can extend to the target parent’s friends and family as well.
Carey Linde was one of the first lawyers in Canada, and remains senior, in the field of Parental Alienation and Parental Alienation Syndrome. He is experienced in filing against the parent who has set out to alienate a child from the other parent, sabatoge the bond between the child and that parent, and in every possible way remove that parent and their family from the life of the child.
The lawyers at the Law Offices of Carey Linde strongly believe that every child needs both parents equally in their lives. Their goal is to overcome any obstacles necessary in order to ensure that this happens. The best interest of the children involved is always the primary goal, and their experience in handling this kind of difficult situation helps make the process less trying for their clients.
For more information on Parental Alienation, please see our PAS Resources Section.
This section can be found on Divorce For Men - Carey Linde
Sunday, 13 May 2012
Mother's Day
Happy Mother's Day!!!! Despite the challenges mothers face when living life alienated from their children, we must remember we were given the opportunity to bring life into the world and no one can take that from us.
My thought for the day.....the best thing a father can do for his children is to love and respect their mother....
What should guide us at all times is love....the kind of love that transcends judgement, fear and anger....
My thought for the day.....the best thing a father can do for his children is to love and respect their mother....
What should guide us at all times is love....the kind of love that transcends judgement, fear and anger....
Friday, 20 April 2012
This is very, very real
Parental alienation a form of abuse
Yet, many parents face an even more difficult time when alienated from their children.
“Parental alienation most frequently occurs after parents are separated or divorced” said Theo Boere, of the Nanaimo Men’s Resource Centre. “Children in response to this situation can become aligned with one parent and with that parent, become preoccupied with criticizing and maligning the other parent. Whether mild or severe, many experts call parental alienation a form of child abuse.”
If left unresolved over a number of years, parental alienation can lead to a situation where the children are so alienated that they withdraw completely from the denigrated parent.
“Unfortunately, because of parental alienation and other factors, we are creating a fatherless society,” said Boere, “Most alienated parents are fathers, due to the courts still awarding custody to moms in a ratio of about nine to one.”
Everyone loses when parental alienation occurs, said Boere.
Studies show that children who grow up in this environment often drop out of school; get involved in risky and criminal behaviours.
Parents who suffer this kind of attack from a previous partner often experience financial problems, extreme stress, physical and mental health issues such as depression, and sometimes even commit suicide.
To find out more, please contact the Nanaimo Men’s Resource Centre to request a 30-minute video on the subject; or attend a 40-minute information session on Wednesday (April 25)
Session times are noon and 7 p.m. Please RSVP 250-716-1551. Information sessions will be at the centre, 418D Fitzwilliam St.
Saturday, 24 March 2012
A Poem for the innocent children who are told "To soldier on"
Dear God,
Tonight I see a midnight sky, stars ordered in brilliant disarray, the man on the moon, the little dipper, the big dipper too, the two star collections that Harry and I call the "mommy dream catchers."
Tucked in my bed, the smell of mommy's perfume lingering on my pillow, her picture in my hand, I anxiously wait for velvet bear...that is mommy's nickname for my big brother Harry....We do this every night just to peek for the shooting star, hands outreached, we giggle as we try to catch her..."Harry quick, that's her, see? That is mommy's sky message!" I close my eyes, make a wish and blow her a kiss, my lips on hers. Tender.
God, can she feel me?
Pensive and teary velvet bear gently rolls his head to me and says, "yeah silly goose, that's her." As I reach for his hand, I whisper, "I love you velvet bear, hold me tight on this starry night." Does Harry know his heart can cry too?
God do you see her, can you touch her? Please hold her tight, I am so worried she is afraid....she always left a light on. It's too dark outside for her....
I wipe his tears and kiss his cheek, solid soldier he has become, my hero. We soldier on. We do as we are told.
Our nightly ritual, secretly held, we know no one can bear witness so our dream catcher is on guard, our fingers entangle, a nest we make with hopes she will fall from the midnight sky, it feels so real. Mommy we are here, fall into our love.
God can you feel us, we are here.
A box of treasured memories hidden deep in our hearts, a lifetime of love and adventure cut short, abruptly torn from our souls. A locket of blonde hair, cards beginning to fade, tattered corners from my endless need for them. Every word locked in my mind. Over and over.
But God, we do as we are told, silent soldiers we have become.
A summer day, we water the butterfly tree......a gift from mommy...she is our papillion, we marvel at the splendor of her, her eyes would always twinkle when we shrieked at the first flutter creature of summer, we chase the whirring wings and softly the dance is done as she lands with ease, gently, so gently...butterfly kisses.....lash to lash, love to love, hope.
God can you see her fly? Unwrap her wings for me.
We crave her laughter, her tales of that silly spaceship that made us fall into the softness of our beds, my magic purse and songs so goofy we just had to dance. God please know that our stage needs more than two to Tango.
But we soldier on, clickity clak and rinny tin tin, rusty soldiers we become.....but we do as we are told.
God I am still so small and my world is a maze with thoughts of hope, candy floss, merry-go- rounds and simple things, my shoulders hurt, my feet ache, I can no longer soldier on.
We can no longer soldier on....please end our war, please hear our prayers, we can no longer soldier on.
Good night midnight sky. Good night mommy.
Love Skylar
Tonight I see a midnight sky, stars ordered in brilliant disarray, the man on the moon, the little dipper, the big dipper too, the two star collections that Harry and I call the "mommy dream catchers."
Tucked in my bed, the smell of mommy's perfume lingering on my pillow, her picture in my hand, I anxiously wait for velvet bear...that is mommy's nickname for my big brother Harry....We do this every night just to peek for the shooting star, hands outreached, we giggle as we try to catch her..."Harry quick, that's her, see? That is mommy's sky message!" I close my eyes, make a wish and blow her a kiss, my lips on hers. Tender.
God, can she feel me?
Pensive and teary velvet bear gently rolls his head to me and says, "yeah silly goose, that's her." As I reach for his hand, I whisper, "I love you velvet bear, hold me tight on this starry night." Does Harry know his heart can cry too?
God do you see her, can you touch her? Please hold her tight, I am so worried she is afraid....she always left a light on. It's too dark outside for her....
I wipe his tears and kiss his cheek, solid soldier he has become, my hero. We soldier on. We do as we are told.
Our nightly ritual, secretly held, we know no one can bear witness so our dream catcher is on guard, our fingers entangle, a nest we make with hopes she will fall from the midnight sky, it feels so real. Mommy we are here, fall into our love.
God can you feel us, we are here.
A box of treasured memories hidden deep in our hearts, a lifetime of love and adventure cut short, abruptly torn from our souls. A locket of blonde hair, cards beginning to fade, tattered corners from my endless need for them. Every word locked in my mind. Over and over.
But God, we do as we are told, silent soldiers we have become.
A summer day, we water the butterfly tree......a gift from mommy...she is our papillion, we marvel at the splendor of her, her eyes would always twinkle when we shrieked at the first flutter creature of summer, we chase the whirring wings and softly the dance is done as she lands with ease, gently, so gently...butterfly kisses.....lash to lash, love to love, hope.
God can you see her fly? Unwrap her wings for me.
We crave her laughter, her tales of that silly spaceship that made us fall into the softness of our beds, my magic purse and songs so goofy we just had to dance. God please know that our stage needs more than two to Tango.
But we soldier on, clickity clak and rinny tin tin, rusty soldiers we become.....but we do as we are told.
God I am still so small and my world is a maze with thoughts of hope, candy floss, merry-go- rounds and simple things, my shoulders hurt, my feet ache, I can no longer soldier on.
We can no longer soldier on....please end our war, please hear our prayers, we can no longer soldier on.
Good night midnight sky. Good night mommy.
Love Skylar
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Tuesday, 28 February 2012
Great question..........what makes these minds tick
What makes an alienating parent tick? Do they suddenly wake up one day, go into revenge-mode, and begin attempting to destroy their child’s relationship with the other parent? Obviously not. The roots of amputative behavior are present (and sometimes hidden) before the abuse begins.In psychological researcher Amy J. L. Baker, PhD’s important book, Breaking the Ties That Bind: Adult Children of Parental Alienation Syndrome, the author identifies three family patterns that may be present in cases where parental alienation takes place.
Although we should keep in mind that men too, can be alienating parents, based on the interviews Dr. Baker did with 40 adult children of parental alienation syndrome, two of three patterns she identifies name mothers as the alienating parent. Most professionals believe that the ratio of fathers to mothers who are alienating parents is 50-50. Although some are very passionate and vocal about this being specifically a man’s or woman’s issue, the truth is that parental alienation can be perpetrated by members of either sex.
Also, though the sample of the adult children of PAS that Baker interviewed were interviewed in depth, making for a richer understanding of how PAS occurs, the author acknowledges that “perhaps the worst cases [of PAS] were most likely to want to participate in the research” and might have contributed to sampling bias. In any case, the information on patterns is enormously helpful and mirror what we can report on an anecdotal basis.
Pattern one: Narcissistic Mother in Divorced Family (14 families); pattern two: Narcissistic Mother in Intact Family (8 families), (PAS sometimes does occur in families where the parents are not divorced or separated); pattern three: Rejecting/Abusive Alienating Parent (16 families).
In Dr. Baker’s sample, narcissistic mothers comprised a significant portion of alienating parents. This is important because it implies the presence of a personality disorder in the alienating parent.
Breaking the Ties That Bind also identifies “notable themes and clinical and legal implications.” We will mention only three of them here (there are more). These include co-occurring maltreatment in which the alienating parent hasn’t just emotionally abused the child but has physically/sexually abused them, too.
Also, co-occurring alcoholism. She points out that because alcoholism is often linked with personality disorders, and many professionals believe that personality disorders are often or even usually present in an alienating parent.
In fact, the next theme is co-occurring personality disorder. The author points out that based on the interviews she did, many alienating parents could be considered to have a type B personality disorders (narcissistic, histrionic, anti-social, and borderline personality disorders). C.R. and I strongly agree and even say that perhaps a type B personality disorder must be present in an alienating parent. That’s because the types of behaviors involved are generally included in definitions of type B personality disorders. We should point out that this does not mean that people with type B pds will become alienating parents, but based on our experience, we believe that alienating parents all have at the very least a significant number of traits that are present in type B pds.
For an upcoming article C.R. recently interviewed a twenty-two year old woman who believes she is a victim of parental alienation syndrome. Of interest is the fact that the family is intact and the alienating parent has character traits which include those found belonging to narcissistic and anti-social personality disorders and are obviously not confined to the parent’s relationship with her children. In other words, these kinds of behaviors are actually present in all of her relationships.
In a description of her parent’s actions, the daughter, who is in therapy without her parents’ knowledge, said: “My mom [who is the editor of a magazine] would think nothing of plagiarizing when she could get away with it. She insists writers include verbatim paragraphs from the Internet, banking on the idea that no reader will ever check and find out. She quotes ten year old scientific studies and says the information is brand new. She does her best to put competing publications out of business and literally spies on them. Publishing is the perfect career for her because she gets a real thrill from the power of controlling what people read and then end up believing. Also she thinks no lie or immoral behavior is really off limits for her, especially when it comes to her “baby” magazine.
“Mom manipulates her employees, plays mind-games with with staff and family members alike and pits editors against each other. It doesn’t matter who it is. It could be my dad, an employee, my brothers and sister or a grandparent or even a friend. The exact moment someone leaves a room, she rolls her eyes or makes a very subtle, minor put down in a kind of disappointed tone about the person. She wants everyone left in the room to agree with her. Her whole thing is to keep people off balance so they live with constant, low level fear. I don’t know if she even realizes what she’s doing–she’s done this as long as I can remember.
“Even though my parents are still married, I see how mom has set up our family into teams depending on what’s going on. There’s the family against the world, there’s mom and my sibs against dad and against his parents. She needs all these secrets and teams because that feeds her ego. By keeping everyone else down, she stays up.”
The newest volume of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DMS-5), due out in spring of 2013, has not yet decided whether Parental Alienation Disorder (which is currently known as Parental Alienation Syndrome or PAS) will be included. The debate is surprisingly controversial. Those who are adult or child victims or mental health and legal professionals involved in the study and treatment of PAS want this problem recognized by the DSM-5. Those who believe that alienating parents either don’t exist or that their actions don’t affect their children, don’t.
Meanwhile, no one can deny that alienating parents do exist. In order to hurt their former (or sometimes, current) spouse, alienating fathers and mothers use their children as pawns in a war that can leave professional psych-ops in the dust.
We’ve received more than the usual amount of email related to our posts on PAS from both adult children and target parents who shared their experiences with us. Some have asked us to include specific PAS stories. In upcoming blog posts we hope to share snapshots of PAS.
Below are some useful links.
Amy Baker, PhD: Web Site and her Links (Resources) Page
Therapy Soup Posts About PAS and Related Topics:
Dr. Richard Warshak, Parental Alienation Syndrome expert and author of Divorce Poison
Mike Jeffries, Author of A Family’s Heartbreak, Resources Page for those dealing with parental alienation. It includes lists of support groups, organizations, articles, podcasts, professionals, and more.
Fathers and Families: Current News on Parental Alienation.
Target Parent Blogs, A Sample: Fearless Fathers, Jim Hueglin, Legally Kidnapped. Many target parents, both men and women, are regularly posting about their experiences with their alienating spouses and their children.
Last reviewed: 27 Feb 2012
APA Reference
Zwolinski, R. (2012). What Makes Alienating Parents Tick?. Psych Central. Retrieved on February 28, 2012, from http://blogs.psychcentral.com/therapy-soup/2012/02/what-makes-alienating-parents-tick/
Zwolinski, R. (2012). What Makes Alienating Parents Tick?. Psych Central. Retrieved on February 28, 2012, from http://blogs.psychcentral.com/therapy-soup/2012/02/what-makes-alienating-parents-tick/
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Monday, 20 February 2012
Why
This is our biggest question as an alienated parent? Why would the person I loved so much to have children with keeping me from the essence of my soul. My life, personally, is broken without my kids, it is hollow, void of its meaning. I personally cannot be complete without my kids, but I need to find solace in their health and well being....I have no choice. I have spent 75% of my net worth fighting for them, against a man that will not stop...I messed up 7 years ago, did drugs, went to rehab and turned it around, but I live in hell. Why, because we both have enough money to fight.....But there is the better question, why are we fighting over life? My children are my world, how do I live without them. Because I have NO choice because I am trapped with this. Can I end my life, NO, it would end theirs. Can I keep fighting, NO, I have no money left......$1.6 million is what I spent to get them back..........the number is irrelevant, it was all I had. I made myself poor to get them back and I am still here, alone and sad without their hands in mine but when I ask why, I tell myself it is because it is my purpose to fight for their hearts, that is my job. When I had two children, I made a selfish choice and now I need to be selfless. So why, it just is......but find a path, find a way and have hope even when it is really dark. Love just is.
Tuesday, 24 January 2012
He said, She said...
Here is the dilemna,,,who knows what is true? The nanny may be bribed or this could be true,,,,,,,but the entire thing is based on this......"he is showing acts of violence", was it towards his daughter? NO, but those inclined will make this into something it just isn't....
Use caution when judging...
Halle Berry's nanny says she's sick and tired of being verbally -- and physically -- abused by the Oscar-winner's baby daddy Gabriel Aubry, and Halle is taking the issue to a courtroom, RadarOnline.com has learned exclusively.
Berry is due back in a Los Angeles court Tuesday for an emergency hearing, a source tells RadarOnline.com, as she will not let the Canadian male model visit with their daughter Nahla because he has allegedly shown signs of violence.
Here's how it all allegedly unfolded:
PHOTOS: Halle Berry Celebrates Turning 45!
Last Wednesday, the source told RadarOnline.com the nanny showed up to pick Nahla up at school, though she was not there because Gabriel had kept her home sick for two days.
"The nanny went to pick Nahla up at school and she wasn't there, so she went to Gabriel's home," a source told RadarOnline.com. "Gabriel and the nanny got into an argument because no one alerted her that Nahla didn't go to school."
PHOTOS: Nahla & Dad Play At The Park
The source told RadarOnline.com Aubry allegedly verbally abused the nanny, before things took a turn for the physical.
"She picked up Nahla to leave and Gabriel yelled at her and shoved her out the door so hard that she hit the wall -- while she had Nahla in her arms!" the source alleges, adding that the nanny claims the abuse is ongoing.
Use caution when judging...
Halle Berry's nanny says she's sick and tired of being verbally -- and physically -- abused by the Oscar-winner's baby daddy Gabriel Aubry, and Halle is taking the issue to a courtroom, RadarOnline.com has learned exclusively.
Berry is due back in a Los Angeles court Tuesday for an emergency hearing, a source tells RadarOnline.com, as she will not let the Canadian male model visit with their daughter Nahla because he has allegedly shown signs of violence.
Here's how it all allegedly unfolded:
PHOTOS: Halle Berry Celebrates Turning 45!
Last Wednesday, the source told RadarOnline.com the nanny showed up to pick Nahla up at school, though she was not there because Gabriel had kept her home sick for two days.
"The nanny went to pick Nahla up at school and she wasn't there, so she went to Gabriel's home," a source told RadarOnline.com. "Gabriel and the nanny got into an argument because no one alerted her that Nahla didn't go to school."
PHOTOS: Nahla & Dad Play At The Park
The source told RadarOnline.com Aubry allegedly verbally abused the nanny, before things took a turn for the physical.
"She picked up Nahla to leave and Gabriel yelled at her and shoved her out the door so hard that she hit the wall -- while she had Nahla in her arms!" the source alleges, adding that the nanny claims the abuse is ongoing.
Monday, 9 January 2012
www.geronimocode.com
If you are a father who has experienced divorce and you have not heard of John Ehrlich, stop right now, stop everything you are doing and go to the above website.....
This man is a pioneer, visionary, leader and inspiration...
This man is a pioneer, visionary, leader and inspiration...
Tuesday, 3 January 2012
Monday, 2 January 2012
Impact of Custody disputes on Children
This is a fascinating video that reveals that custody disputes impact not only the emotional lives of children but their health as well.
http://video.ca.msn.com/?mkt=
http://video.ca.msn.com/?mkt=
Friday, 30 December 2011
Child support
Interesting article...
(ThyBlackMan.com) I was on 1380 WAOK in Atlanta for an interesting interview this morning. The conversation revolved around child support payments and the “Financial Abortions” concept that my Senior Editor, Kirsten West-Savali, brought to my attention just a couple of months ago. The conversation expanded to child support in general, and I can say that I am clearly concerned about deadbeat parents who choose not to support their kids. I don’t care if he’s buying diapers and visiting your child every weekend; he should also be using a chunk of his paycheck to help you pay the bills related to taking care of that child.
But the child support system is in serious need of reform. In Atlanta over the holiday weekend, there were hundreds of parents sent to jail for non-payment of child support. While I don’t entirely oppose the idea of sending the law after parents who don’t pay, I’m not quite sure how putting parents in jail is going to help the child. Also, the law is quick to lock a man up for non-payment of child support, but they are not so interested in using their resources to help that father spend time with his kids.
I am an 18-year veteran of the child support system, and I’ve also taken responsibility for children who’ve been financially abandoned by their dads. Additionally, my own biological father never paid a penny in child support to my knowledge, so I was also a victim of a dead beat dad as well. So, I
understand the frustrations of losing parental rights, and I also understand why dead beat dads need to be dealt with. The issue is a complex one, but one thing that is abundantly clear is that the child support system, in its current form, is more likely to destroy a family than to sustain it.
Here are some things that need to be changed about the child support system:
1) Greater accountability on where the money is spent: There is nothing more frustrating for a non-custodial parent than to pay hundreds (or even thousands) in child support, only to see that their child isn’t getting access to the money. I know this reality from experience, and I’ve also heard from countless dads (and moms) who’ve taken care of their responsibilities, only to have their child calling to request money for things they can’t afford.
Money paid in child support should be tracked in some way, perhaps with a debit card to record expenses or some other form of verification. A responsible parent is not paying child support for anyone to get their nails done. At the same time, custodial parents should be allowed to submit a budget showing the magnitude of household expenses. This is a clear reminder to the man paying $200 per month that this amount means almost nothing to a household that faces thousands of dollars per month in expenses – so no, your child isn’t going to have the entire check spent on new Air Jordans if his mother is trying to pay the light bill.
2) Solutions that strengthen families instead of punishing them: Jail should be part of the accountability process, I truly believe that. But jail should not be a catchall solution for every problem. Putting a parent in jail only helps the child if this punishment is supplemented with other methods to ensure that the relationship between father and child is strengthened as a result. If the father wants nothing to do with the child, that’s one thing, but if the father somehow feels that his parental rights have been trampled and stolen from him, then something should be done to secure visitation or even partial custody as a result of paying child support on time.
In far too many cases, one parent chooses to hijack the child-rearing process, micromanaging everything the other parent does (“I don’t want my child in the car with your girlfriend, but you can’t say a thing about my boyfriend driving him around”). It took two people to make the baby, so two people have the right to raise it.
Finally, garnishments and other solutions should be considered long before incarceration, and parents who are brought in by the police should be given an option to come up with a payment solution before being put in jail. The point is that locking a man up punishes both the children in his home and the children outside his home, so we must think carefully before indulging the temptations of the “incarceration nation” that America has become. Jail should be a last resort, and should also be part of a broader process to “encourage” men to become better dads.
3) Father’s rights should be laid on the table for discussion: I’ll never forget when I asked the mean woman at the child support office what I could do about the fact that I wasn’t able to see my child on a regular basis. Her response? “If you don’t pay, you can be sent to jail. But there’s nothing we can do about helping you to see your daughter.” Sometimes, parents who try to do the right thing are punished more than those who evade the system. Also, when a family struggles, we must grow beyond simply assuming that the man is always at fault – it usually takes two people to destroy a family, but in many black relationships, we are likely to hear just one side of the story.
In medicine, there is a “Patient’s Bill of Rights.” In child support court, there should be a “Parent’s Bill of Rights.” These rights should include the opportunity to spend time with your child, the right to representation to secure your parental rights, the right to accountability on where your money is spent, and maybe even the right to partial custody if you can’t afford to make child support payments.
The system should be modified to go after deadbeat parents with greater ferocity in order to protect children and responsible mothers. But it should also protect ethical, hard-working dads from being harmed by situations in which child custody is being used as a weapon of mass destruction. We learned over 200 years ago that there should not be taxation without representation. But as it stands, some parents are being hit hard financially every single month and are only rewarded by a loss of dignity, parental alienation and the stigma of being called a deadbeat just because you don’t live with your child. It’s time to start telling every side of the story.
Child Support needs to be reformed…
But the child support system is in serious need of reform. In Atlanta over the holiday weekend, there were hundreds of parents sent to jail for non-payment of child support. While I don’t entirely oppose the idea of sending the law after parents who don’t pay, I’m not quite sure how putting parents in jail is going to help the child. Also, the law is quick to lock a man up for non-payment of child support, but they are not so interested in using their resources to help that father spend time with his kids.
I am an 18-year veteran of the child support system, and I’ve also taken responsibility for children who’ve been financially abandoned by their dads. Additionally, my own biological father never paid a penny in child support to my knowledge, so I was also a victim of a dead beat dad as well. So, I
understand the frustrations of losing parental rights, and I also understand why dead beat dads need to be dealt with. The issue is a complex one, but one thing that is abundantly clear is that the child support system, in its current form, is more likely to destroy a family than to sustain it.Here are some things that need to be changed about the child support system:
1) Greater accountability on where the money is spent: There is nothing more frustrating for a non-custodial parent than to pay hundreds (or even thousands) in child support, only to see that their child isn’t getting access to the money. I know this reality from experience, and I’ve also heard from countless dads (and moms) who’ve taken care of their responsibilities, only to have their child calling to request money for things they can’t afford.
Money paid in child support should be tracked in some way, perhaps with a debit card to record expenses or some other form of verification. A responsible parent is not paying child support for anyone to get their nails done. At the same time, custodial parents should be allowed to submit a budget showing the magnitude of household expenses. This is a clear reminder to the man paying $200 per month that this amount means almost nothing to a household that faces thousands of dollars per month in expenses – so no, your child isn’t going to have the entire check spent on new Air Jordans if his mother is trying to pay the light bill.
2) Solutions that strengthen families instead of punishing them: Jail should be part of the accountability process, I truly believe that. But jail should not be a catchall solution for every problem. Putting a parent in jail only helps the child if this punishment is supplemented with other methods to ensure that the relationship between father and child is strengthened as a result. If the father wants nothing to do with the child, that’s one thing, but if the father somehow feels that his parental rights have been trampled and stolen from him, then something should be done to secure visitation or even partial custody as a result of paying child support on time.
In far too many cases, one parent chooses to hijack the child-rearing process, micromanaging everything the other parent does (“I don’t want my child in the car with your girlfriend, but you can’t say a thing about my boyfriend driving him around”). It took two people to make the baby, so two people have the right to raise it.
Finally, garnishments and other solutions should be considered long before incarceration, and parents who are brought in by the police should be given an option to come up with a payment solution before being put in jail. The point is that locking a man up punishes both the children in his home and the children outside his home, so we must think carefully before indulging the temptations of the “incarceration nation” that America has become. Jail should be a last resort, and should also be part of a broader process to “encourage” men to become better dads.
3) Father’s rights should be laid on the table for discussion: I’ll never forget when I asked the mean woman at the child support office what I could do about the fact that I wasn’t able to see my child on a regular basis. Her response? “If you don’t pay, you can be sent to jail. But there’s nothing we can do about helping you to see your daughter.” Sometimes, parents who try to do the right thing are punished more than those who evade the system. Also, when a family struggles, we must grow beyond simply assuming that the man is always at fault – it usually takes two people to destroy a family, but in many black relationships, we are likely to hear just one side of the story.
In medicine, there is a “Patient’s Bill of Rights.” In child support court, there should be a “Parent’s Bill of Rights.” These rights should include the opportunity to spend time with your child, the right to representation to secure your parental rights, the right to accountability on where your money is spent, and maybe even the right to partial custody if you can’t afford to make child support payments.
The system should be modified to go after deadbeat parents with greater ferocity in order to protect children and responsible mothers. But it should also protect ethical, hard-working dads from being harmed by situations in which child custody is being used as a weapon of mass destruction. We learned over 200 years ago that there should not be taxation without representation. But as it stands, some parents are being hit hard financially every single month and are only rewarded by a loss of dignity, parental alienation and the stigma of being called a deadbeat just because you don’t live with your child. It’s time to start telling every side of the story.
Staff Writer; Dr. Boyce Watkins
Tuesday, 27 December 2011
Love is not something you eradicate....it just is
Inspiration for the alienated parent
my heart) i am never without it (anywhere
i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)
i fear
no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want
no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)
Monday, 26 December 2011
Parental alienation is real...
This is a great resource to understanding parental alienation....this article is particularly succinct.....pass this on......
Parental Alienation Syndrome is real. It devastates and destroys. And more and more children, grown-up children, and targeted parents are coming forward to speak about their pain.
Parental Alienation Syndrome may be caused by one of the more damaging forms of child abuse you never heard of. And because PAS often involves the abuse of the legal system too, the courts are beginning sit up and take notice.
Poison Parents
Or, as Toronto therapist Victoria Lorient-Faibish so aptly calls them, Amputative Parents. What are they? They are parents that seek to damage, destroy, deconstruct or even completely end their child’s relationship with their (former) spouse. In a nutshell, PAS is a syndrome caused by a specific type of abuse whereby one parent seeks revenge upon another, and will stop at nothing, to get that revenge. They will manipulate and abuse their children and exploit and lie to their children, family members, police, lawyers and the court system to effect that revenge.
A twelve-year study by the Family Law section of the American Bar Association showed that PAS abuse occurred to at least some extent in nearly 60 percent of divorces (the extent to which it occurred ranged from mild to extreme). Even as little as three years ago, some people were denying PAS existed. And though it still doesn’t have it’s own section in the DSM, that doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. The DSM deletes and adds syndromes in each edition. Today, more and more mental health professionals recognize that this is a very real and tragic problem.
Although PAS abuse usually occurs during or after a divorce, some argue that it can happen during marriages as well. In these cases, the parent “dumps” their problems with the other parent on the child or sets up “gangs” within the family.
In any case, the victims are first and foremost children who don’t usually realize what’s happening to them (if they are older, and have a longer-term history with both parents, they may understand at some level what’s going on). These children live with the loss of a parent that’s as painful and stressful as a death, but are not allowed to grieve. They are taught to stuff those feelings of grief and to turn that pain and their natural love for their parent into hatred.
War
The abusive parent is usually referred to as the alienating parent and the maligned parent is called the target parent. The alienating parent effectively (sometimes overtly, sometimes subtly), teaches the child to split. The target parent represents evil and the alienating parent represents perfection.
Children end up feeling so loyal to the alienating parent (often feeling that they have to protect him or her), that they subsume their own emotional needs in many cases. Even if the alienating parent emotionally or physically abuses them, the children will defend their actions. Because they perceive the target parent as having abandoned them, they want to avoid being abandoned again (by the alienating parent) at all costs. They’ll do anything to show their loyalty. They might curse, hit, not speak to, and exhibit other angry behaviors to the target parent.
The other victims, besides the children, are the target parents (and often grandparents). When mature target parents divorce, they want to avoid confrontation and prevent escalation in order to prevent further damage to the kids. But if the target parent doesn’t confront and expose the other parent, the abuse usually continues. It is a very painful spot for any parent to be in.
Last year we posted a very moving video of a young woman who is a survivor of PAS. And just last month, a distraught parent commented on one of our posts and posted the link to a very disturbing audio content of an abusive spouse/parent who was maligning a former spouse.
This is simply one of the most devastating kinds of abuse children can go through-they don’t have a chance to form healthy bonds with either parent and now that we have studied a generation in which this has happened, we can determine the effects are long-lasting. Although divorce is never a walk in the park for kids, emotionally mature and compassionate parents put the children before themselves and do their utmost to present a united front when child-rearing during divorce. PAS destroys any chance of normalcy.
The parent who has custody is obligated by law to avoid any disruptions in the children’s relationship with the other parent. However, a shocking number of custodial parents break the law by doing everything in their power to destroy their children’s relationship with their other parent by “forgetting” visitations, disrupting visitations in numerous ways, or simply moving, sometimes far away, and leaving no forwarding address.
Grandparents, Too
One of the tell-tale signs of potential Parental Alienation Syndrome is when the alienating parent prevents the children from having any relationship with grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins on the target parent’s side. The alienating parent may malign the grandparents to the point where the children resist forming a relationship with them or they might set up impenetrable blocks to visits with grandparents, aunts and uncles, and cousins. In cases where target parents are cut off (such as when the alienating parent moves to another state or country) they’ll cut off the extended family, too.
Manipulating Others
Another tactic the alienating parent uses involves neighbors and community members. He or she might conscript them as allies against the children’s other parent before, during, and after the divorce.
How to tell if you are being used? You’ll hear stories that never quite make sense and there may be inconsistencies. Remember, an alienating parent is doing everything possible to cut off the relationship between the children and the target parent in order to punish the other parent. A common tactic is to accuse the target parent of things that are difficult or impossible to prove.
He or she is constantly seeking your sympathy and stoking your outrage because an alliance with you is necessary. You might be needed to reinforce the children’s image of the target parent as all bad. You might be needed to reinforce the lies. In many cases the alienating parent will enlist allies with specific qualifications and everyone from social workers to clergy members becomes their “best-friend” while the divorce and custody battles are going on. If your skills aren’t needed after the case ends you’ll be dropped. You’ll be told that “seeing you brings up painful memories” or your calls will simply not be answered.
Get Help
What can you do if you an adult child who’s been the victim of an alienating parent? Call a therapist, especially one who has experience in this area. Some of the videos and other resources, below will be very helpful.
What to do if you are an adult who is the target parent? I recommend you get therapy yourself as well as seek top-notch legal help. Remember, though, the alienating parent is incapable of loving and caring for his/her children and will never put their needs first. Once the children find out how they’ve been manipulated and lied to, they will not only be struggling with the loss of their relationship with you, but will have to do a lot of inner work to accept that it was the parent who was supposed to protect and love them, who shattered their lives.
If you are the grandparent or relative of children (or adults) who is the victim of an alienating parent, speak to an expert and ask them what’s the best, safest way to help the children and maintain a relationship with them.
PAS is something that I have encountered many times. In the past couple of years, it is finally beginning to be recognized as the serious problem it is. I would like to share with you links to resources and information.
An excellent white-paper on the topic, required reading for anyone who’s been a victim (and anyone who’s even thinking about alienating their children from their other parent-the results will devastate your children and hurt them for their entire lives).
Our recent favorite, Toronto-based therapist Victoria Lorient-Faibish, hits the nail on the head with a video response to an alienated son and a direct recommendation to alienating parents or anyone who is even thinking about becoming an alienating parent. (Here’s Victoria’s web site).
PAS expert, attorney Amy Baker’s essential book on PAS, Adult Children of Parental Alienation Syndrome: Breaking the Ties That Bind. Although it’s intended readership is the grown-up child of an alienating parent, target parents, attorneys, judges, and therapists all can benefit from reading this candid and intelligent book.
A Family’s Heartbreak tells the personal story of PAS.
Here’s the moving video story an extreme case of PAS where one parent simply takes off with the child, cutting off all ties. It’s the case of Scott Becker and his daughter April,reunited after his daughter April was taken from him by her mom at the age of two months. (Grab some kleenex). As in some cases, reunion may not be possible for a variety of reasons until the child becomes an adult.
Video of speaker at Canadian Symposium for Parental Alienation. The speaker (mentioned above), is lawyer, Amy Baker, who talks about the devastating consequences of PAS. It is an excellent introduction to PAS and is required viewing. Here is part 2, essential viewing to understanding the “head trip”, however there’s a caveat: the disdain for one parent and the absolute love for another depends on the age of the child and is rarely as black and white as it is presented here.
Parental Alienation Syndrome is real. It devastates and destroys. And more and more children, grown-up children, and targeted parents are coming forward to speak about their pain.Parental Alienation Syndrome may be caused by one of the more damaging forms of child abuse you never heard of. And because PAS often involves the abuse of the legal system too, the courts are beginning sit up and take notice.
Poison Parents
Or, as Toronto therapist Victoria Lorient-Faibish so aptly calls them, Amputative Parents. What are they? They are parents that seek to damage, destroy, deconstruct or even completely end their child’s relationship with their (former) spouse. In a nutshell, PAS is a syndrome caused by a specific type of abuse whereby one parent seeks revenge upon another, and will stop at nothing, to get that revenge. They will manipulate and abuse their children and exploit and lie to their children, family members, police, lawyers and the court system to effect that revenge.
A twelve-year study by the Family Law section of the American Bar Association showed that PAS abuse occurred to at least some extent in nearly 60 percent of divorces (the extent to which it occurred ranged from mild to extreme). Even as little as three years ago, some people were denying PAS existed. And though it still doesn’t have it’s own section in the DSM, that doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. The DSM deletes and adds syndromes in each edition. Today, more and more mental health professionals recognize that this is a very real and tragic problem.
Although PAS abuse usually occurs during or after a divorce, some argue that it can happen during marriages as well. In these cases, the parent “dumps” their problems with the other parent on the child or sets up “gangs” within the family.
In any case, the victims are first and foremost children who don’t usually realize what’s happening to them (if they are older, and have a longer-term history with both parents, they may understand at some level what’s going on). These children live with the loss of a parent that’s as painful and stressful as a death, but are not allowed to grieve. They are taught to stuff those feelings of grief and to turn that pain and their natural love for their parent into hatred.
War
The abusive parent is usually referred to as the alienating parent and the maligned parent is called the target parent. The alienating parent effectively (sometimes overtly, sometimes subtly), teaches the child to split. The target parent represents evil and the alienating parent represents perfection.
Children end up feeling so loyal to the alienating parent (often feeling that they have to protect him or her), that they subsume their own emotional needs in many cases. Even if the alienating parent emotionally or physically abuses them, the children will defend their actions. Because they perceive the target parent as having abandoned them, they want to avoid being abandoned again (by the alienating parent) at all costs. They’ll do anything to show their loyalty. They might curse, hit, not speak to, and exhibit other angry behaviors to the target parent.
The other victims, besides the children, are the target parents (and often grandparents). When mature target parents divorce, they want to avoid confrontation and prevent escalation in order to prevent further damage to the kids. But if the target parent doesn’t confront and expose the other parent, the abuse usually continues. It is a very painful spot for any parent to be in.
Last year we posted a very moving video of a young woman who is a survivor of PAS. And just last month, a distraught parent commented on one of our posts and posted the link to a very disturbing audio content of an abusive spouse/parent who was maligning a former spouse.
This is simply one of the most devastating kinds of abuse children can go through-they don’t have a chance to form healthy bonds with either parent and now that we have studied a generation in which this has happened, we can determine the effects are long-lasting. Although divorce is never a walk in the park for kids, emotionally mature and compassionate parents put the children before themselves and do their utmost to present a united front when child-rearing during divorce. PAS destroys any chance of normalcy.
The parent who has custody is obligated by law to avoid any disruptions in the children’s relationship with the other parent. However, a shocking number of custodial parents break the law by doing everything in their power to destroy their children’s relationship with their other parent by “forgetting” visitations, disrupting visitations in numerous ways, or simply moving, sometimes far away, and leaving no forwarding address.
Grandparents, Too
One of the tell-tale signs of potential Parental Alienation Syndrome is when the alienating parent prevents the children from having any relationship with grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins on the target parent’s side. The alienating parent may malign the grandparents to the point where the children resist forming a relationship with them or they might set up impenetrable blocks to visits with grandparents, aunts and uncles, and cousins. In cases where target parents are cut off (such as when the alienating parent moves to another state or country) they’ll cut off the extended family, too.
Manipulating Others
Another tactic the alienating parent uses involves neighbors and community members. He or she might conscript them as allies against the children’s other parent before, during, and after the divorce.
How to tell if you are being used? You’ll hear stories that never quite make sense and there may be inconsistencies. Remember, an alienating parent is doing everything possible to cut off the relationship between the children and the target parent in order to punish the other parent. A common tactic is to accuse the target parent of things that are difficult or impossible to prove.
He or she is constantly seeking your sympathy and stoking your outrage because an alliance with you is necessary. You might be needed to reinforce the children’s image of the target parent as all bad. You might be needed to reinforce the lies. In many cases the alienating parent will enlist allies with specific qualifications and everyone from social workers to clergy members becomes their “best-friend” while the divorce and custody battles are going on. If your skills aren’t needed after the case ends you’ll be dropped. You’ll be told that “seeing you brings up painful memories” or your calls will simply not be answered.
Get Help
What can you do if you an adult child who’s been the victim of an alienating parent? Call a therapist, especially one who has experience in this area. Some of the videos and other resources, below will be very helpful.
What to do if you are an adult who is the target parent? I recommend you get therapy yourself as well as seek top-notch legal help. Remember, though, the alienating parent is incapable of loving and caring for his/her children and will never put their needs first. Once the children find out how they’ve been manipulated and lied to, they will not only be struggling with the loss of their relationship with you, but will have to do a lot of inner work to accept that it was the parent who was supposed to protect and love them, who shattered their lives.
If you are the grandparent or relative of children (or adults) who is the victim of an alienating parent, speak to an expert and ask them what’s the best, safest way to help the children and maintain a relationship with them.
PAS is something that I have encountered many times. In the past couple of years, it is finally beginning to be recognized as the serious problem it is. I would like to share with you links to resources and information.
An excellent white-paper on the topic, required reading for anyone who’s been a victim (and anyone who’s even thinking about alienating their children from their other parent-the results will devastate your children and hurt them for their entire lives).
Our recent favorite, Toronto-based therapist Victoria Lorient-Faibish, hits the nail on the head with a video response to an alienated son and a direct recommendation to alienating parents or anyone who is even thinking about becoming an alienating parent. (Here’s Victoria’s web site).
PAS expert, attorney Amy Baker’s essential book on PAS, Adult Children of Parental Alienation Syndrome: Breaking the Ties That Bind. Although it’s intended readership is the grown-up child of an alienating parent, target parents, attorneys, judges, and therapists all can benefit from reading this candid and intelligent book.
A Family’s Heartbreak tells the personal story of PAS.
Here’s the moving video story an extreme case of PAS where one parent simply takes off with the child, cutting off all ties. It’s the case of Scott Becker and his daughter April,reunited after his daughter April was taken from him by her mom at the age of two months. (Grab some kleenex). As in some cases, reunion may not be possible for a variety of reasons until the child becomes an adult.
Video of speaker at Canadian Symposium for Parental Alienation. The speaker (mentioned above), is lawyer, Amy Baker, who talks about the devastating consequences of PAS. It is an excellent introduction to PAS and is required viewing. Here is part 2, essential viewing to understanding the “head trip”, however there’s a caveat: the disdain for one parent and the absolute love for another depends on the age of the child and is rarely as black and white as it is presented here.
The Holidays
The holidays are a kaleidoscope of love, excitement, tension, stress and can be overwhelming. Throw in parental alienation tactics and you almost feel you can't breathe. I had the good fortune of spending a few days before Christmas with a fellow victim of parental alienation. It was great to hear the perspective of a father, his pain, frustration and anger. I am a mother, so my view was skewed and I deal with the common adage, "well the courts side with the mother so you must of done something really bad." Sadly not the case......he has taught me a new empathy. Know this, the family court is NOT a legal system, it is an arbitration system. Who knows who, vague decisions on big matters. Motions, affidavits, David and Goliath and may the richest man win in this game. But this could only be if one parent wanted the war and to alienate.
It is almost irreconcilable to understand why you cannot talk to your children the gifts you brought into this world, the children you loved and nurtured on Christmas Day.....to say how much you love them, to hear their excitement and general happiness about how fun Christmas morning is. I was greatful for the photos taken of them with the gifts I gave them. A guess the consolation prize for enduring natural childbirth and sleepless nights for years. Add the fact that I never car pooled them, made all their lunches, taught them about nutrition, empathy and compassion. I a marvel that an alienator would not ever allow them to send me a Christmas card,,,,,what kind of values is that teaching I wonder. You give a card to neighbor or teacher, but no kids, not your mother. Did I mention I gave them life? It is truly insanity you realize.
But like anything, when you put your situation on the world wide stage, you realize there is suffering beyond yours, hunger, abuse, disease so you allow the crazy dynamics of hope and faith to sneak in and if you let them, they dry your tears. But I am not too proud to tell you, I cried for hours over my kids yesterday.......That said, love is pure between a child and parent, alienation can cause damage, no question, but it cannot steal truth. While estranged, I know my children love me, no matter what has been said.
I wanted to send a message to those of you who missed out on the holidays with your kids, there is hope no matter what your circumstances are. Neither parent owns their children, we selfishly brought them into the world to express ourselves in the ultimate way.... they own themselves and their nature and souls will guide them to you. I found solace in Khalhil Gibran's prose, "we bring our children to life and set them free"
I am completely certain few things, but I am sure my children weren't faking it when they held me in the night and woke up saying, "Mommy I can't live for out you." Love will guide them and if you believe in God, then know that he has a plan. That which doesn't kill us makes us stronger.
Happy New Year
It is almost irreconcilable to understand why you cannot talk to your children the gifts you brought into this world, the children you loved and nurtured on Christmas Day.....to say how much you love them, to hear their excitement and general happiness about how fun Christmas morning is. I was greatful for the photos taken of them with the gifts I gave them. A guess the consolation prize for enduring natural childbirth and sleepless nights for years. Add the fact that I never car pooled them, made all their lunches, taught them about nutrition, empathy and compassion. I a marvel that an alienator would not ever allow them to send me a Christmas card,,,,,what kind of values is that teaching I wonder. You give a card to neighbor or teacher, but no kids, not your mother. Did I mention I gave them life? It is truly insanity you realize.
But like anything, when you put your situation on the world wide stage, you realize there is suffering beyond yours, hunger, abuse, disease so you allow the crazy dynamics of hope and faith to sneak in and if you let them, they dry your tears. But I am not too proud to tell you, I cried for hours over my kids yesterday.......That said, love is pure between a child and parent, alienation can cause damage, no question, but it cannot steal truth. While estranged, I know my children love me, no matter what has been said.
I wanted to send a message to those of you who missed out on the holidays with your kids, there is hope no matter what your circumstances are. Neither parent owns their children, we selfishly brought them into the world to express ourselves in the ultimate way.... they own themselves and their nature and souls will guide them to you. I found solace in Khalhil Gibran's prose, "we bring our children to life and set them free"
I am completely certain few things, but I am sure my children weren't faking it when they held me in the night and woke up saying, "Mommy I can't live for out you." Love will guide them and if you believe in God, then know that he has a plan. That which doesn't kill us makes us stronger.
Happy New Year
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