While we have little control over a person that will engage in alienation, bcs when you understand their psychology, it is their insecure needs to control and have power, we can think calmly and strategically. In a perfect world, you engage a mediator that comes highly recommended but if the situation becomes adversarial there are a few things you can conisder..
1) Make sure you document everything and if you are concerned about your ex partner's need for control, keep a very detailed journal...chances are they are doing the same.
2) Do not engage, as hard as it can be, in any conflictual conversations and DO NOT, spar via email. These will become damning conversations in a courtroom. Someone with big incentive and the psychological imbalance that is the root of PAS, will leverage this in any way they can to gain control of the situation.
3) If you are unsure, in any way, of your legal counsel.....pause and then pause again. Do you homework, go online, find out the facts for yourself. This arms you with the knowledge to assess your legal counsel and then decide if you need to make a change.
4) If you decide to enlist a family assessor, that is not court appointed, be very thorough. Check their references, review their engagement contract carefully and make sure there is no bias. Might sound basic, but this person gains tremendous power and you need to be sure. Also get a good read of the overall costs and timelines. For some family assessors, like Dr. Peter Sutton, this becomes a cash grab from a family in crisis.
5) Stay calm, even when things go crazy, find a group of friends or family you can vent with...Remember the person focused on alienation is mentally ill in a very sneaky way..They are never your friend, their motivation is to win control of the children. At NO TIME can they be trusted...bad behavior is a pattern, write yourself a note to not engage, unless in a positive manner with respect to the kids, in any way with them.
6) Seek professional counseling for yourself. A situation where PAS starts to emerge, has the ability to push you to a breaking point that will surprise you. Consider joining a PAS association or group, these people have a range of experience and if nothing else, can tell you what not to do. It is through mistakes that strategies are created.
7) Stay close to the most important part of the process....THE CHILDREN. Encourage them to talk, to share their feelings and never betray their confidence....They are the ones you are really hurting..choosing between parents is excruciating for children and they should never have to do this. And of course, never disparage your ex partner to them. That will just confuse them more but the key is to lead with integrity, that can never be wrong.
8) If your access becomes supervised, consider having it video taped or have the supervisor do a summary at the end and both of you agree. Most important, if the supervision is through a private company, make sure your ex partner has NO relationship with them in any way. Search for any conflicts. This is critical!
9) Meditate and care for yourself. The rules of engagement of a PAS situation is intense and emotionally crippling. Exercise and disengage.
10) When in doubt, consult a professional. Keep yourself apprised of any new PAS cases that set precendent in the courtroom...Stay informed on all levels..
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