Again, if you know anyone that is suffering from Parental Alienation, please refer them to this blog...our goal is to effect change, reform the court system and educate.
By jshafer
Does Parental Alienation hurt our children?
I have recently been reading stories of Parental Alienation that seems to be somewhat of a fad now. Maybe "fad" isn't the correct word, but it's so common, that it's actually sad.We experienced Parental Alienation many years ago, when we had to fight tooth and nail to have visitation with my step-children. Luckily, we had an experienced judge that would not put up with my husband's ex, Vera's visitation games. We had been before him several times for visitation issues, that finally he got fed up with it. At the last hearing, the judge told Vera that if she came before him one more time for refusing visitation, he would throw her in jail. (Now that's my kind of judge!)
Don't get me wrong, I don't think visitation is warranted in EVERY case, however, we had done nothing wrong. All we wanted to do was continue a strong, loving relationship with my step-children. Vera had a list of reasons why she refused Tyler visitation, however none were reasonable. She claimed that we took the children to the doctor, when it was not needed. (We took them when they were sick, when she refused to.) She claimed Tyler was behind in child support. (He fell three weeks behind around the time of our marriage, which totaled a hundred dollars). She would withhold the kids from us for six months at a time.
When the judge ordered Vera to give Tyler visitation, the children were withdrawn at times. It was clear they were very disturbed by something. I remember one instance when the children came over after a lengthy refusal of visitation. The oldest, Julia who was eight years old at the time, began calling me and Tyler by our first names again, instead of "mommy" and "daddy". While I didn't care what my step-children called me, I left it up to them, it was disturbing that they were now calling their father by HIS first name and they were referring to their step-father as "daddy". When I told Julia that it was inappropriate for her to call her father by his first name, she broke down crying. She yelled that "they make me call him (her step-father) daddy! I don't like him and don't want to call him daddy, but they make me!"
I knew exactly what Vera was doing. She had tried to alienate the children from us, and make her new husband their father. In essence, she was trying to remove us from their life so they could become one happy family. Unfortunately, it was taking its toll on the children. They were torn between being told to hate us, when they were with Vera, to loving us when they were with us. Vera was clearly trying to manipulate these children as to how they should feel. To please her, they did as she asked...hate us, but their deep down feelings were to love us. They were virtually in an emotional tug of war between pleasing their mother and their own feelings. The emotional pain these young children experienced, just to have two parents (or four in this case) was overwhelming to them.
That determination by Vera has left long term effects on the children. Even though decades later, she has brought many men into the children’s life, she continues to try to manipulate the children to hate their father and only love her. Unfortunately, it has worked with one of the children. We do not have a relationship with one child, Julia as an adult and the other’s determination to be part of our life literally destroyed her life with her mother. Mandy did not want to follow Vera’s order to hate us and have nothing to do with us, like Julia did. Mandy continues, as an adult, to be an important part of our life, while Julia chose not to have her father, me and half siblings in her life. She is Vera’s best friend. While that choice has hurt all of us tremendously, Julia is an adult and can make her own choices. Julia has also followed her mother’s footsteps in life. She is currently on her third marriage and has had a long list of men in her life too. Luckily, she hasn’t had children to drag through the same experiences that she went through as a child. That is, as of yet.
I’m telling our experience of parental alienation so others will know that keeping your children from their parent WILL have long term effects on them. While you may think that they will always love you and never love their other parent by alienating them from the other parent, YOU ARE WRONG! Children may always love you, but they may not respect you for what you have put them through. Mandy despises her mother for what she put her through as a child and does not have a close relationship with her. If you aren’t willing to risk losing your child emotionally, do not alienate them from the people they love. This includes parent and extended family.
Many custodial parents alienate their child from the other parent to hurt them, to get even with them, or to control them. My advice to parents that do that, while that might work for awhile in your eyes, it will only hurt you in the long run. Children naturally love ALL the people in their lives. They don’t understand that you hate your spouse and your actions are based on that. They did not ask to be brought into your life, yet you use them as a pawn to hurt someone else. Any loving parent will tell you that the most important person in their life, is their child(ren). Taking that away from them begins the emotional destruction.
Obviously parental alienation is good for the safety of some children. When one parent has been proven to physically hurt, endanger, neglect or abuse a child, it’s imperative that the child is removed until the parent receives help. However, to “get even” or “hurt” the other parent, my opinion is the parent forcing the alienation should be punished and/or forced to take parenting classes. Judges need to take action now in protecting our children!
