Child support

Interesting article...

Child Support needs to be reformed…

December 29, 2011 by Staff  
Filed under Fatherhood, News, Opinion, Weekly Columns

1 Comment

(ThyBlackMan.com) I was on 1380 WAOK in Atlanta for an interesting interview this morning.  The conversation revolved around child support payments and the “Financial Abortions” concept that my Senior Editor, Kirsten West-Savali, brought to my attention just a couple of months ago.  The conversation expanded to child support in general, and I can say that I am clearly concerned about deadbeat parents who choose not to support their kids.  I don’t care if he’s buying diapers and visiting your child every weekend; he should also be using a chunk of his paycheck to help you pay the bills related to taking care of that child.
But the child support system is in serious need of reform.  In Atlanta over the holiday weekend, there were hundreds of parents sent to jail for non-payment of child support.  While I don’t entirely oppose the idea of sending the law after parents who don’t pay, I’m not quite sure how putting parents in jail is going to help the child.  Also, the law is quick to lock a man up for non-payment of child support, but they are not so interested in using their resources to help that father spend time with his kids.
I am an 18-year veteran of the child support system, and I’ve also taken responsibility for children who’ve been financially abandoned by their dads.  Additionally, my own biological father never paid a penny in child support to my knowledge, so I was also a victim of a dead beat dad as well.  So, I  understand the frustrations of losing parental rights, and I also understand why dead beat dads need to be dealt with.   The issue is a complex one,  but one thing that is abundantly clear is that the child support system, in its current form, is more likely to destroy a family than to sustain it.
Here are some things that need to be changed about the child support system:
1) Greater accountability on where the money is spent:  There is nothing more frustrating for a non-custodial parent than to pay hundreds (or even thousands) in child support, only to see that their child isn’t getting access to the money.  I know this reality from experience, and I’ve also heard from countless dads (and moms) who’ve taken care of their responsibilities, only to have their child calling to request money for things they can’t afford.
Money paid in child support should be tracked in some way, perhaps with a debit card to record expenses or some other form of verification.  A responsible parent is not paying child support for anyone to get their nails done.   At the same time, custodial parents should be allowed to submit a budget showing the magnitude of household expenses.  This is a clear reminder to the man paying $200 per month that this amount means almost nothing to a household that faces thousands of dollars per month in expenses – so no, your child isn’t going to have the entire check spent on new Air Jordans if his mother is trying to pay the light bill.
2) Solutions that strengthen families instead of punishing them:  Jail should be part of the accountability process, I truly believe that. But jail should not be a catchall solution for every problem.  Putting a parent in jail only helps the child if this punishment is supplemented with other methods to ensure that the relationship between father and child is strengthened as a result.  If the father wants nothing to do with the child, that’s one thing, but if the father somehow feels that his parental rights have been trampled and stolen from him, then something should be done to secure visitation or even partial custody as a result of paying child support on time.
In far too many cases, one parent chooses to hijack the child-rearing process, micromanaging everything the other parent does (“I don’t want my child in the car with your girlfriend, but you can’t say a thing about my boyfriend driving him around”).   It took two people to make the baby, so two people have the right to raise it.
Finally, garnishments and other solutions should be considered long before incarceration, and parents who are brought in by the police should be given an option to come up with a payment solution before being put in jail.   The point is that locking a man up punishes both the children in his home and the children outside his home, so we must think carefully before indulging the temptations of the “incarceration nation” that America has become.  Jail should be a last resort, and should also be part of a broader process to “encourage” men to become better dads.
3) Father’s rights should be laid on the table for discussion:  I’ll never forget when I asked the mean woman at the child support office what I could do about the fact that I wasn’t able to see my child on a regular basis.  Her response?  “If you don’t pay, you can be sent to jail.  But there’s nothing we can do about helping you to see your daughter.”  Sometimes, parents who try to do the right thing are punished more than those who evade the system.  Also, when a family struggles, we must grow beyond simply assuming that the man is always at fault – it usually takes two people to destroy a family, but in many black relationships, we are likely to hear just one side of the story.
In medicine, there is a “Patient’s Bill of Rights.”  In child support court, there should be a “Parent’s Bill of Rights.”  These rights should include the opportunity to spend time with your child, the right to representation to secure your parental rights, the right to accountability on where your money is spent, and maybe even the right to partial custody if you can’t afford to make child support payments.
The system should be modified to go after deadbeat parents with greater ferocity in order to protect children and responsible mothers.  But it should also protect ethical, hard-working dads from being harmed by situations in which child custody is being used as a weapon of mass destruction.  We learned over 200 years ago that there should not be taxation without representation.  But as it stands, some parents are being hit hard financially every single month and are only rewarded by a loss of dignity, parental alienation and the stigma of being called a deadbeat just because you don’t live with your child.  It’s time to start telling every side of the story.

Staff Writer; Dr. Boyce Watkins

Love is not something you eradicate....it just is

Inspiration for the alienated parent

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in
my heart) i am never without it (anywhere
i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)
                                  i fear
no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want
no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

Parental alienation is real...

This is a great resource to understanding parental alienation....this article is particularly succinct.....pass this on......

Parental Alienation Syndrome

By Richard Zwolinski, LMHC, CASAC

Parental Alienation Syndrome is real. It devastates and destroys. And more and more children, grown-up children, and targeted parents are coming forward to speak about their pain.
Parental Alienation Syndrome may be caused by one of the more damaging forms of child abuse you never heard of. And because PAS often involves the abuse of the legal system too,  the courts are beginning sit up and take notice.
Poison Parents
Or, as Toronto therapist Victoria Lorient-Faibish so aptly calls them, Amputative Parents. What are they? They are parents that seek to damage, destroy, deconstruct or even completely end their child’s relationship with their (former) spouse. In a nutshell, PAS is a syndrome caused by a specific type of abuse whereby one parent seeks revenge upon another, and will stop at nothing, to get that revenge. They will manipulate and abuse their children and exploit and lie to their children, family members, police, lawyers and the court system to effect that revenge.
A twelve-year study by the Family Law section of the American Bar Association showed that PAS abuse occurred to at least some extent in nearly 60 percent of divorces (the extent to which it occurred ranged from mild to extreme).  Even as little as three years ago, some people were denying PAS existed. And though it still doesn’t have it’s own section in the DSM, that doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. The DSM deletes and adds syndromes in each edition. Today, more and more mental health professionals recognize that this is a very real and tragic problem.
Although PAS abuse usually occurs during or after a divorce, some argue that it can happen during marriages as well. In these cases, the parent “dumps” their problems with the other parent on the child or sets up “gangs” within the family.
In any case, the victims are first and foremost children who don’t usually realize what’s happening to them (if they are older, and have a longer-term history with both parents, they may understand at some level what’s going on). These children live with the loss of a parent that’s as painful and stressful as a death, but are not allowed to grieve. They are taught to stuff those feelings of grief and to turn that pain and their natural love for their parent into hatred.
War
The abusive parent is usually referred to as the alienating parent and the maligned parent is called the target parent. The alienating parent effectively (sometimes overtly, sometimes subtly),  teaches the child to split. The target parent represents evil and the alienating parent represents perfection.
Children end up feeling so loyal to the alienating parent (often feeling that they have to protect him or her), that they subsume their own emotional needs in many cases. Even if the alienating parent emotionally or physically abuses them, the children will defend their actions. Because they perceive the target parent as having abandoned them, they want to avoid being abandoned again (by the alienating parent) at all costs. They’ll do anything to show their loyalty. They might curse, hit, not speak to, and exhibit other angry behaviors to the target parent.
The other victims, besides the children, are the target parents (and often grandparents). When mature target parents divorce, they want to avoid confrontation and prevent escalation in order to prevent further damage to the kids. But if the target parent doesn’t confront and expose the other parent, the abuse usually continues. It is a very painful spot for any parent to be in.
Last year we posted a very moving video of a young woman who is a survivor of PAS. And just last month, a distraught parent commented on one of our posts and posted the link to a very disturbing audio content of an abusive spouse/parent who was maligning a former spouse.
This is simply one of the most devastating kinds of abuse children can go through-they don’t have a chance to form healthy bonds with either parent and now that we have studied a generation in which this has happened, we can determine the effects are long-lasting.  Although divorce is never a walk in the park for kids, emotionally mature and compassionate parents put the children before themselves and do their utmost to present a united front when child-rearing during divorce. PAS destroys any chance of normalcy.
The parent who has custody is obligated by law to avoid any disruptions in the children’s relationship with the other parent. However, a shocking number of custodial parents break the law by doing everything in their power to destroy their children’s relationship with their other parent by “forgetting” visitations, disrupting visitations in numerous ways, or simply moving, sometimes far away, and leaving no forwarding address.
Grandparents, Too
One of the tell-tale signs of potential Parental Alienation Syndrome is when the alienating parent prevents the children from having any relationship with grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins on the target parent’s side. The alienating parent may malign the grandparents to the point where the children resist forming a relationship with them or they might set up impenetrable blocks to visits with grandparents, aunts and uncles, and cousins. In cases where target parents are cut off (such as when the alienating parent moves to another state or country) they’ll cut off the extended family, too.
Manipulating Others
Another tactic the alienating parent uses involves neighbors and community members. He or she might conscript them as allies against the children’s other parent before, during, and after the divorce.
How to tell if you are being used? You’ll hear stories that never quite make sense and there may be inconsistencies. Remember, an alienating parent is doing everything possible to cut off the relationship between the children and the target parent in order to punish the other parent. A common tactic is to accuse the target parent of things that are difficult or impossible to prove.
He or she is constantly seeking your sympathy and stoking your outrage because an alliance with you is necessary. You might be needed to reinforce the children’s image of the target parent as all bad. You might be needed to reinforce the lies. In many cases the alienating parent will enlist allies with specific qualifications and everyone from social workers to clergy members becomes their “best-friend” while the divorce and custody battles are going on. If your skills aren’t needed after the case ends you’ll be dropped. You’ll be told that “seeing you brings up painful memories” or your calls will simply not be answered.
Get Help
What can you do if you an adult child who’s been the victim of an alienating parent?  Call a therapist, especially one who has experience in this area. Some of the videos and other resources, below will be very helpful.
What to do if you are an adult who is the target parent? I recommend you get therapy yourself as well as seek top-notch legal help. Remember, though, the alienating parent is incapable of loving and caring for his/her children and will never put their needs first. Once the children find out how they’ve been manipulated and lied to, they will not only be struggling with the loss of their relationship with you, but will have to do a lot of inner work to accept that it was the parent who was supposed to protect and love them, who shattered their lives.
If you are the grandparent or relative of children (or adults) who is the victim of an alienating parent, speak to an expert and ask them what’s the best, safest way to help the children and maintain a relationship with them.
PAS is something that I have encountered many times. In the past couple of years, it is finally beginning to be recognized as the serious problem it is. I would like to share with you links to resources and information.
An excellent white-paper on the topic, required reading for anyone who’s been a victim (and anyone who’s even thinking about alienating their children from their other parent-the results will devastate your children and hurt them for their entire lives).
Our recent favorite, Toronto-based therapist Victoria Lorient-Faibish, hits the nail on the head with a video response to an alienated son and a direct recommendation to alienating parents or anyone who is even thinking about becoming an alienating parent. (Here’s Victoria’s web site).
PAS expert, attorney Amy Baker’s essential book on PAS, Adult Children of Parental Alienation Syndrome: Breaking the Ties That Bind. Although it’s intended readership is the grown-up child of an alienating parent, target parents, attorneys, judges, and therapists all can benefit from reading this candid and intelligent book.
A Family’s Heartbreak tells the personal story of PAS.
Here’s the moving video story an extreme case of PAS where one parent simply takes off with the child, cutting off all ties. It’s the case of Scott Becker and his daughter April,reunited after his daughter April was taken from him by her mom at the age of two months. (Grab some kleenex). As in some cases, reunion may not be possible for a variety of reasons until the child becomes an adult.
Video of speaker at Canadian Symposium for Parental Alienation. The speaker (mentioned above), is lawyer, Amy Baker, who talks about the devastating consequences of PAS. It is an excellent introduction to PAS and is required viewing. Here is part 2, essential viewing to understanding the “head trip”, however there’s a caveat: the disdain for one parent and the absolute love for another depends on the age of the child and is rarely as black and white as it is presented here.

The Holidays

The holidays are a kaleidoscope of love, excitement, tension, stress and can be overwhelming.  Throw in parental alienation tactics and you almost feel you can't breathe.  I had the good fortune of spending a few days before Christmas with a fellow victim of parental alienation.  It was great to hear the perspective of a father, his pain, frustration and anger.  I am a mother, so my view was skewed and I deal with the common adage, "well the courts side with the mother so you must of done something really bad."  Sadly not the case......he has taught me a new empathy.  Know this, the family court is NOT a legal system, it is an arbitration system.  Who knows who, vague decisions on big matters.  Motions, affidavits, David and Goliath and may the richest man win in this game.  But this could only be if one parent wanted the war and to alienate. 

It is almost irreconcilable to understand why you cannot talk to your children the gifts you brought into this world, the children you loved and nurtured on Christmas Day.....to say how much you love them, to hear their excitement and general happiness about how fun Christmas morning is.  I was greatful for the photos taken of them with the gifts I gave them.  A guess the consolation prize for enduring natural childbirth and sleepless nights for years. Add the fact that I never car pooled them, made all their lunches, taught them about nutrition,  empathy and compassion.  I a marvel that an alienator would not ever allow them to send me a Christmas card,,,,,what kind of values is that teaching I wonder.  You give a card to neighbor or teacher, but no kids, not your mother.  Did I mention I gave them life?  It is truly insanity you realize. 

But like anything, when you put your situation on the world wide stage, you realize there is suffering beyond yours, hunger, abuse, disease so you allow the crazy dynamics of hope and faith to sneak in and if you let them, they dry your tears.  But I am not too proud to tell you, I cried for hours over my kids yesterday.......That said, love is pure between a child and parent, alienation can cause damage, no question, but it cannot steal truth.  While estranged, I know my children love me, no matter what has been said.

I wanted to send a message to those of you who missed out on the holidays with your kids, there is hope no matter what your circumstances are.  Neither parent owns their children, we selfishly brought them into the world to express ourselves in the ultimate way.... they own themselves and their nature and souls will guide them to you. I found solace in Khalhil Gibran's prose, "we bring our children to life and set them free"

I am completely certain few things, but I am sure my children weren't faking it when they held me in the night and woke up saying, "Mommy I can't live for out you."  Love will guide them and if you believe in God, then know that he has a plan.  That which doesn't kill us makes us stronger.

Happy New Year

Wisdom- One Case - One Judge...By Prof Bala In an interview yesterday, Prof. Bala said that parental alienation cases should be streamlined out of the court system as rapidly as possible and given to individual judges to "case-manage," a system in which a single judge handles a case all the way through the courts. He said this would allow the judges to learn their cases' nuances and press for resolution. "The increase in court cases is dramatic, and they do take up a lot of court time," he said. "A family may appear in front of 10 different judges before they get to a trial, and each judge starts afresh. If you are dealing with people who are manipulative, they can drag it out." "It is important for the justice system to take an early and firm response to alienation cases," his study concluded. "Alienation cases can change over time from mild to more severe. Early intervention is more likely to be successful." The study also urged the justice system to enforce access orders more rigorously for the sake of its own credibility. It said that the relatively lax enforcement of access - an issue that primarily affects fathers - contrasts sharply with zero tolerance policies in domestic abuse cases and enhanced enforcement of child and spousal support orders. The juxtaposition can convince fathers that the system is biased against them, Prof. Bala said. "Just as feminists have some very important and valid criticisms of the family justice system, so do fathers' rights advocates," he said. The study also took issue with the much-publicized concept of Parental Alienation Syndrome, arguing that it is neither a recognized syndrome nor a useful description of what is actually a complicated set of behaviours. Justice Brownstone on parental alienation "In my view, the term 'parental alienation' incorrectly identifies the target parent as the victim. "The true victims are the children, who are innocent in parental break-ups. Every child has a right to enjoy a loving relationship with both parents. Since it is the child's right that is being violated by a parent's alienating behaviour, it is the child who is being alienated from the other parent. A Sober Thought The Honorable Judge Gomery of Canada stated, “Hatred is not an emotion that comes naturally to a child. It has to be taught. A parent who would teach a child to hate the other parent represents a grave and persistent danger to the mental and emotional health of that child.” Bereavement Without End-A Plea From Alienated Parents Everywhere The death of a child is indisputably one of the most incredibly horrible tragedies one can imagine. Whether by sudden accidental circumstance, or by a more lengthy cause as in illness, the loss of a child is undeniably painful to experience.Painful to the parents, parents to the family, and painful to anyone related to the child. Never knowing the laughter of that child again or the tears, the joys and the accomplishements is a pain no parent should ever have to endure, and yet it happens. No one is to blame. It just happens. Imagine the same pain and the same sense of loss, with one exception-the parent is very much aware that the child is alive. The effects of Parental Alienation Syndrome are very similar to the loss of a child due to accident or illness. For the parent who has been alienated from their child, the bereavement does not end. How do we know? Each alienated parent separately, and all of us collectively have lived with both the cause and the effect of Parental Alienation for countless years. Like a terminally fatal childhood disease, Parental Alienation rips the innocent child from your arms slowly. You witness the suffering. You witness the effects. You can feel the impending doom is inevitable, but you are powerless to do anything about it. You try remedy after remedy hoping that one will finally rid your child of the "disease". You work like a person possessed in order to finance the efforts, and when the final blow comes, it is emotionally devastating. You question yourself. You blame yourself for the loss. You tell yourself you should have done more. The very sad part of the story, is it is not unique. There are hundreds of thousands of children and parents affected by PAS. We beg of those with the power to make people aware of this devastatingly horrible phenomena, to please do all they can to educate people on its effects, and to change the laws to protect the innocence of the children involved. Only then can we truly hope to keep children safe from the harmful side effects that are inherent with Parental Alienation itself. It's killing the spirit of family everywhere.

The following article suggests a solution that would work hard to eliminate parental alienation...One judge being accountable to a family..it is a family court right?  Or so it is supposed to be..

The best quote of all is this,,,"hatred is not an emotion that comes naturally to a child..It is taught"..Justice Gomery

By Prof Bala

In an interview yesterday, Prof. Bala said that parental alienation cases should be streamlined out of the court system as rapidly as possible and given to individual judges to "case-manage," a system in which a single judge handles a case all the way through the courts.
He said this would allow the judges to learn their cases' nuances and press for resolution.
"The increase in court cases is dramatic, and they do take up a lot of court time," he said. "A family may appear in front of 10 different judges before they get to a trial, and each judge starts afresh. If you are dealing with people who are manipulative, they can drag it out."
"It is important for the justice system to take an early and firm response to alienation cases," his study concluded.
"Alienation cases can change over time from mild to more severe. Early intervention is more likely to be successful."

The study also urged the justice system to enforce access orders more rigorously for the sake of its own credibility.

It said that the relatively lax enforcement of access - an issue that primarily affects fathers - contrasts sharply with zero tolerance policies in domestic abuse cases and enhanced enforcement of child and spousal support orders.
The juxtaposition can convince fathers that the system is biased against them, Prof. Bala said.
"Just as feminists have some very important and valid criticisms of the family justice system, so do fathers' rights advocates," he said.
The study also took issue with the much-publicized concept of Parental Alienation Syndrome, arguing that it is neither a recognized syndrome nor a useful description of what is actually a complicated set of behaviours.

Justice Brownstone on parental alienation

"In my view, the term 'parental alienation' incorrectly identifies the target parent as the victim.

"The true victims are the children, who are innocent in parental break-ups. Every child has a right to enjoy a loving relationship with both parents. Since it is the child's right that is being violated by a parent's alienating behaviour, it is the child who is being alienated from the other parent.

A Sober Thought

The Honorable Judge Gomery of Canada stated, “Hatred is not an emotion that comes naturally to a child. It has to be taught. A parent who would teach a child to hate the other parent represents a grave and persistent danger to the mental and emotional health of that child.”

Bereavement Without End-A Plea From Alienated Parents Everywhere

The death of a child is indisputably one of the most incredibly horrible tragedies one can imagine. Whether by sudden accidental circumstance, or by a more lengthy cause as in illness, the loss of a child is undeniably painful to experience.Painful to the parents, parents to the family, and painful to anyone related to the child. Never knowing the laughter of that child again or the tears, the joys and the accomplishements is a pain no parent should ever have to endure, and yet it happens. No one is to blame. It just happens. Imagine the same pain and the same sense of loss, with one exception-the parent is very much aware that the child is alive. The effects of Parental Alienation Syndrome are very similar to the loss of a child due to accident or illness. For the parent who has been alienated from their child, the bereavement does not end. How do we know? Each alienated parent separately, and all of us collectively have lived with both the cause and the effect of Parental Alienation for countless years. Like a terminally fatal childhood disease, Parental Alienation rips the innocent child from your arms slowly. You witness the suffering. You witness the effects. You can feel the impending doom is inevitable, but you are powerless to do anything about it. You try remedy after remedy hoping that one will finally rid your child of the "disease". You work like a person possessed in order to finance the efforts, and when the final blow comes, it is emotionally devastating. You question yourself. You blame yourself for the loss. You tell yourself you should have done more. The very sad part of the story, is it is not unique. There are hundreds of thousands of children and parents affected by PAS. We beg of those with the power to make people aware of this devastatingly horrible phenomena, to please do all they can to educate people on its effects, and to change the laws to protect the innocence of the children involved. Only then can we truly hope to keep children safe from the harmful side effects that are inherent with Parental Alienation itself. It's killing the spirit of family everywhere.

Jaycee Dugard

The world turns in unusual ways when it comes to matters of the heart......

Last night I watched the Primtime interview with Diane Sawyer and Jaycee Dugard.....it has left me in a state of complete enlightenment.  While abduction and rape are crimes (so they should be)  it is also a story of alienation...Listening to Dugard's mother...Terry, her suffering was rooted in alienation...Missing those big moments of a child's life, going to high school, track meets, birthday parties....just loss on so many levels....while we can never, and I mean never, reclaim those days and hours, we can have hope...What Jaycee Dugard said kept her alive was the thought of seeing her mom, to hear her voice, to smell her...to just be near her again...so while alienated parents suffer greatly, especially because we usually know where the kids are and can't see them,,,we need to believe in our children's faith...they do love us, we are a beacon of hope for them..

I profoundly feel there is hope and while kids can be very young when they are emotionally kidnapped, their hearts are pure...

Say a prayer today for someone you know is suffering from parental alienation.....their hearts are broken more than you will ever know

Inspiration for the alienated parent

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in
my heart) i am never without it (anywhere
i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)
                                  i fear
no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want
no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

Choosing a supervision agency

For private supervision matters, there are few options in Canada...one is an agency called Bartimeaus and they have a division called Leaps and Bounds.  It is very important to do a background check on both the agency itself and the worker assigned.  Also critical, is to have a procedure whereby you agree to the report at the end of each visit.

Remember, these people can play God over your life and may have agendas.  In the case of Bartimeaus, be sure there is no conflict of interest with anyone within their agency.

Choosing a supervision agency

For private supervision matters, there are few options in Canada...one is an agency called Bartimeaus and they have a division called Leaps and Bounds.  It is very important to do a background check on both the agency itself and the worker assigned.  Also critical, is to have a procedure whereby you agree to the report at the end of each visit.

Remember, these people can play God over your life and may have agendas.  In the case of Bartimeaus, be sure there is no conflict of interest with anyone within their agency.

Father's Day

I think the message from Dwayne is critical here...that the goal is for both parents to be a part of their children's lives...what concerns me is that courts play God with DNA,,,that is very concerning..if you are seeking sole custody, be very sure your heart is pure, your motive and intent in the right place..bcs life without a parent is a troubling existence for a child...consider every option, and let the hearts of your children decide...Therapists make a fortune analyzing what is right for children, but as a parent, you instinctively know that both parents are needed.  If your spouse is suffering, help them find their way for the children and if you believe in God, reads the lords prayer....a little more accurate than lining the pockets of a greedy lawyer.

Happy Fathers Day!

June 19th, 2011 by Robert Franklin, Esq.

Every Fathers Day I make a pitch for everyone reading to remember their dads with love.  Fathers are indispensable to their children and today is the one day out of the year we’re urged to honor them.  So much of the rest of the time seems to be spent doing the opposite.
But this year I think I’ll let Miami Heat star Dwyane Wade do the talking for me.  This year saw the culmination of his successful fight to gain custody of his two sons and here’s his Fathers Day article that touches on that fight, and what his kids and his own dad mean to him (Newsweek, 6/5/11).
And while you’re reading his piece remember two things.  First, recall all the things his ex-wife did to make contact with his boys hard or impossible.  Second, remember what Dwyane said in court about her:

“I want both parents to be in their kids’ lives … S.L.(his wife)  needs to get healthy.. .to get help dealing with whatever issues she’s dealing with .. . if she does that, she gets healthy, I want her to spend as much time with the kids as she wants to spend.”

D.T. continued, “I’m not trying to take my kids from her. I want to foster a relationship between both parents, where we have equal rights, hopefully one day we can make decisions together, and our kids can see us together as a parent team to know that we have their best interests at hand.”

When you think about it, that’s a pretty good statement of the goals of the family court reform movement in a nutshell.
To me, Dwyane Wade looks like he’s got a big heart.  That largeness of spirit will be there long after he laces up his NBA sneakers for the last time.  Whatever his ex-wife may do, I know his sons will be better boys and better men because of it.
Happy Fathers Day!

Posted

Reprogramming A Kidnapped Mind

Boy's return to Canada means new set of challenges for family

Suggestions to Not Encourage Parental Alienation

While we have little control over a person that will engage in alienation, bcs when you understand their psychology, it is their insecure needs to control and have power, we can think calmly and strategically.  In a perfect world, you engage a mediator that comes highly recommended but if the situation becomes adversarial there are a few things you can conisder..

1)  Make sure you document everything and if you are concerned about your ex partner's need for control, keep a very detailed journal...chances are they are doing the same.

2)   Do not engage, as hard as it can be, in any conflictual conversations and DO NOT, spar via email.  These will become damning conversations in a courtroom.  Someone with big incentive and the psychological imbalance that is the root of PAS, will leverage this in any way they can to gain control of the situation.

3)  If you are unsure, in any way, of your legal counsel.....pause and then pause again.  Do you homework, go  online, find out the facts for yourself.  This arms you with the knowledge to assess your legal counsel and then decide if you need to make a change.

4)  If you decide to enlist a family assessor, that is not court appointed, be very thorough.  Check their references, review their engagement contract carefully and make sure there is no bias.  Might sound basic, but this person gains tremendous power and you need to be sure.  Also get a good read of the overall costs and timelines.  For some family assessors, like Dr. Peter Sutton, this becomes a cash grab from a family in crisis.

5)  Stay calm, even when things go crazy, find a group of friends or family you can vent with...Remember the person focused on alienation is mentally ill in a very sneaky way..They are never your friend, their motivation is to win control of the children.  At NO TIME can they be trusted...bad behavior is a pattern, write yourself a note to not engage, unless in a positive manner with respect to the kids, in any way with them. 

6)  Seek professional counseling for yourself.  A situation where PAS starts to emerge, has the ability to push you to a breaking point that will surprise you.   Consider joining a PAS association or group, these people have a range of experience and if nothing else, can tell you what not to do.  It is through mistakes that strategies are created.

7)  Stay close to the most important part of the process....THE CHILDREN.  Encourage them to talk, to share their feelings and never betray their confidence....They are the ones you are really hurting..choosing between parents is excruciating for children and they should never have to do this.  And of course, never disparage your ex partner to them.  That will just confuse them more but the key is to lead with integrity, that can never be wrong.

8)  If your access becomes supervised, consider having it video taped or have the supervisor do a summary at the end and both of you agree.  Most important, if the supervision is through a private company, make sure your ex partner has NO relationship with them in any way.  Search for any conflicts.  This is critical!

9)  Meditate and care for yourself.  The rules of engagement of a PAS situation is intense and emotionally crippling.  Exercise and disengage.

10)  When in doubt, consult a professional.   Keep yourself apprised of any new PAS cases that set precendent in the courtroom...Stay informed on all levels..

More evidence on the seriousness of PAS

This article is a must read for parents embroiled in a dynamic whereby PAS is affecting their children...this is a phenomena that the medical world is taking very seriously.

by Paula J. Caplan, Ph.D.

“Parental Alienation Syndrome:" Another Alarming DSM-5 Proposal

Using a medicalizing label to mask child sexual abuse

Published on June 6, 2011 by Paula J. Caplan, Ph.D. in Science Isn't Golden

©Copyright 2011 by Paula J. Caplan All rights reserved
Using a medicalizing label to mask child sexual abuse

Among the scientifically unwarranted and socially dangerous proposals that the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual-5 authors have not yet seen fit to rule out is the addition of something its advocates call Parental Alienation Syndrome. This is a medical-sounding term for nothing more than "She's a vengeful woman who's trying to make her children tell horrific lies about their father."
It is nearly always applied to mothers whose children are being molested by their fathers. Despite not yet being in the DSM, PAS has in some courts proven an astonishingly effective vehicle for deflecting the focus from the abuser and simply claiming that the woman must be lying, and coaching her children to lie, because she has the alleged mental illness of PAS. [1] The claim is that without cause, she wants to turn the children against their father.

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What often gets short shrift, as a result, is even the consideration of the possibility that the children are truly being molested. Virtually everything that is sometimes a sign that a child is being molested - such as fearfulness when it is time for a visit with the abuser or vaginal bleeding or infection in a 2-year-old - is instead interpreted as further "proof" that the mother has PAS. In these two examples, through use of PAS, the child's fearfulness is cast as the result of the mother's efforts to make the child frightened of the father or terrified of not pleasing her by wanting the visit to take place, and the vaginal problems are assumed to be caused by the mother in order to provide fake evidence of the molesting. If this sounds far-fetched, it is not. I have both done research and consulted in court cases about this.
As Dr. Julie Ancis, who has conducted extensive research about such cases, has noted:
[Richard] Gardner [who invented PAS] claimed that many reports of [child sexual abuse] in the context of divorce cases were false allegations. In this connection, it is important to note that Bala and Schuman (1999) found that only 1.3% of mothers' allegations of abuse by their children's fathers were deemed by civil court judges to be intentionally false, in contrast to 21% of cases in which fathers had made such allegations against mothers. And Meier (2009) reports after reviewing the research that it is a mistaken belief that mothers' allegations in child custody proceedings that fathers have sexually abused their children are usually false. [2]
Gardner not only thought up this label but also condoned adults' sexual assaults on children and said that reports of child sexual abuse were elevated because sexually voyeuristic social workers made them. [1,2] Despite the fact that some judges have quite rightly forbidden the use of the term in their courts, it remains widely used in other courts and sounds more impressive coming from the lips of a testifying mental health professional than "She's just a lying, angry woman."
Ancis writes further:
Gardner's (1998) questionable ethics and clinical judgment are reflected in (but are by no means limited to) the following: (1) he recommends joint interviews with an accused father and child in which the father directly confronts the child about the allegation, and (2) he interprets a child's overt expression of fear of possible retaliation by the father as evidence of the child's embarrassment about lying rather than as possibly a valid fear of a truthtelling child whose father is abusive.
The construct of PAS is unscientific, composed of a group of general symptoms with no empirical basis....
Major professional bodies, including the American Psychological Association, have discredited PAS on the grounds that it is misused in domestic violence cases and that there is no scientific evidence of such a "syndrome." The more recent APA Online document Issues and Dilemmas in Family Violence (http://www.apa.org/pi/essues.html), particularly Issue 5, describes the tendency of family courts to miminize a context of violence, falsely accusing the mother of alienation and granting custody to the father in spite of his history of violence. The National Council on Juvenile and Family Court Judges' 2006 manual states that "parental alienation syndrome or PAS has been discredited by the scientific community" and "should therefore be ruled inadmissible" (p. 19). A number of prominent figures, including Dr. Paul J. Fink, past president of the American Psychiatric Association and president of the Leadership Council on Mental Health, Justice, and the Media, and Professor Jon R. Conte of the University of Washington Social Welfare Doctoral Faculty have also discredited PAS and its lack of scientific basis (see Bruch, 2001).
Because of the use of PAS as a tactic by many CSA perpetrators to influence decision makers and the court system, abused children have been placed in the hands of their abusers (Childress, 2006). It is estimated that "over 58,000 children a year are ordered into unsupervised contact with physically or sexually abusive parents following divorce in the United States" (http://www.leadershipcouncil.org/1/pas/1.html) and that PAS was used in a large number of these cases. [2]

The DSM-5 editors could at any time have already struck PAS from their planned additions but have so far chosen not to.
If this alarms you, and especially if PAS has been used against you, please consider going to dsm5.org before their June 15 cutoff date for input from the public arrives, and send them your concerns. Please urge everyone else you can think of to do the same. The DSM-5 authors will do themselves and the manual's reputation no favors if they include PAS, and they need to hear from people whom the label has harmed.
[1] Paula J. Caplan. (2004) What is it that's being called "Parental Alienation Syndrome"? In Paula J. Caplan & Lisa Cosgrove (Eds.), Bias in psychiatric diagnosis. Lanham, MD: Rowman & Littlefield.
[2] Julie R. Ancis. Parental alienation syndrome. http://awpsych.org/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=1...

References from Ancis article quotations
American Psychological Association (APA). (1996). Report on Violence and the Family: Issues and Dilemmas in Family Violence. APA Presidential Task Force on Violence and the Family. Washington, DC: Author. Retrieved from http://www.nnflp.org/apa/intro.html.
Bala, N., & Schuman, J. (1999). Allegations of sexual abuse when parents have separated. Canadian Family Law Quarterly 17, 191-241.
Bruch, C. (2001). Parental Alienation Syndrome and Parental Alienation: Getting it wrong in child custody cases. Family Law Quarterly, 35(3), 527-552. Retreived from http://ezproxy.gsu.edu:3305/HOL/Page?handle=hein.journals/famlq35...
Gardner, R. A. (1998). The Parental Alienation Syndrome (2nd ed.). Creskill, New
Jersey: Creative Therapeutics, Inc.
Meier, J. S. (2009, January). Parental Alienation Syndrome and parental
alienation: Research reviews. National Online Resource Center on Violence Against Women, 1-17. Retrieved from http://www.leadershipcouncil.org/1/pas/1.html
National Council of Family Court Judges (2006). Navigating Custody and
Visitation Evaluations in Cases with Domestic Violence: A Judge's Guide. Retrieved from http://www.ncjfcj.org/content/blogcategory/256/302/

Check out this video

There is hope,,,pass this on.....

The delicate balance of estrangement and alienation

Here is a great article written by Cathy Meyer...her perspective is enlightening..

The Difference Between Estrangement and Parental Alienation Syndrome

Have your children been alienated or did you behave badly?

Parental Alienation is defined as the deliberate attempt by one parent to distance his/her children from the other parent. An example would be the mother who shares too much information about the father’s affair with the children in a covert attempt to cause the children to harbor ill will toward the father.
A mother or father may wish to alienate the children to pay back for the pain experienced due to an unwanted divorce. They may attempt to alienate the children due to mental illness that keeps the parent from putting her/his children’s best interest before their own. The reasons parents participate in Parental Alienation are numerous and costly.
On the other hand, estrangement follows multiple conflicts and blowouts between parent and child, says relationship expert Irina Firstein. "There are extremely hurt feelings," she says. "There are feelings of betrayal and of disappointment."
The father who leaves the family for another woman, neglects time with his children and dismisses the harm done to his children is likely to become “estranged” from them. It is fair to say that no one responds positively to poor treatment, least of all children.
PAS results from a parent actively working at causing hard feelings between a child and parent. Estrangement results from a parent behaving badly toward his/her children which, in return causes the children to cut off contact.
It isn’t uncommon for a parent who is estranged from his/her children to blame the other parent of PAS. It is easier to blame others for bad behavior than to accept and acknowledge bad behavior.
How does one tell the difference between a parent who is a victim of PAS and one that is estranged due to bad behavior? The behavior of the parent during the period of alienation or estrangement is a good indicator of what is truly going on in the parent/child relationship.

Behaviors Common to an Alienated Parent:
A parent who has been alienated from his/her child will continue to pursue a relationship with the child. The parent will attempt to communicate on a regular basis, will send emails and cards. The same parent will use the court system to fight the alienating parent and retain their legal rights to a relationship with their child.
The alienated parent is not a parent who gives up or gives in. David Goldman is a good example of what an alienated parent will do in response to the alienating parent. His son was taken to Brazil by the mother who refused to return to the United States and pursued a divorce in Brazil.
The Brazilian courts gave the mother custody of the son and David’s ex wife remarried and her, her family and new husband used their status and influence to keep David away from his son. David spent five years fighting in the Brazilian courts and finally regained custody of his son. No battle was too big, no expense too great for this father who had been alienated from his child.

Behaviors Common to an Estranged Parent:
The parent who is estranged from a child due to his/her own bad treatment of the child has a “wait and see” attitude. They don’t pursue a relationship with the child because in their mind the child is the one responsible for mending the relationship.
The estranged parent will find it hard or impossible to view the situation from their child’s perspective. They don’t see their own behavior as playing a role in the problem; they feel entitled to behave badly with no repercussions.
More often than not it is the estranged parent that I come into contact with in my business. These are people who go months at a time without contacting their children because they are wrapped up in an affair and spending time with the other man/woman or busy building a new life post divorce. They don’t understand why their children aren’t waiting with open arms when they do find time to fit them into their schedule.
One man in particular comes to mind. He never went to a school function, refused to enter into counseling with his children when the therapist suggested and spent six years with minimal contact with his children. According to him though his ex-wife is guilty of parental alienation.
His words when asked about his children’s anger toward him were, “it is what it is, I can’t change it, I can only hope they come around one day.” The truly alienated parent would be jumping through hoops to try and reconcile with his/her children. The estranged parent can’t do such a thing because doing so would mean admitting and taking responsibility and the relationship with the child is not worth the discomfort that would come from acknowledging the damage they did to the parent/child relationship.
Parental Alienation Syndrome is dangerous to the emotional well-being of children and the continued parental bond with a parent. It is too often used as an excuse by bad parents to justify to themselves the results of that bad parenting and hurtful behaviors toward their children.
In both cases innocent children suffer due to the inability of a parent to put the needs of their children before their own needs and if, as a parent you can’t do that then maybe you don’t deserve a relationship with a child who is only looking for what any child has a right to expect, love, consideration and valuation from a parent.

Parental Alienation a Fad?????

I came across this extremely well written article...in the end, but sadly, the parent that alienates loses more than the one alienated,,,but it is the process of pain for all parties that needs to be considered..

Again, if you know anyone that is suffering from Parental Alienation, please refer them to this blog...our goal is to effect change, reform the court system and educate.

By jshafer

Does Parental Alienation hurt our children?

I have recently been reading stories of Parental Alienation that seems to be somewhat of a fad now. Maybe "fad" isn't the correct word, but it's so common, that it's actually sad.
We experienced Parental Alienation many years ago, when we had to fight tooth and nail to have visitation with my step-children. Luckily, we had an experienced judge that would not put up with my husband's ex, Vera's visitation games. We had been before him several times for visitation issues, that finally he got fed up with it. At the last hearing, the judge told Vera that if she came before him one more time for refusing visitation, he would throw her in jail. (Now that's my kind of judge!)
Don't get me wrong, I don't think visitation is warranted in EVERY case, however, we had done nothing wrong. All we wanted to do was continue a strong, loving relationship with my step-children. Vera had a list of reasons why she refused Tyler visitation, however none were reasonable. She claimed that we took the children to the doctor, when it was not needed. (We took them when they were sick, when she refused to.) She claimed Tyler was behind in child support. (He fell three weeks behind around the time of our marriage, which totaled a hundred dollars). She would withhold the kids from us for six months at a time.
When the judge ordered Vera to give Tyler visitation, the children were withdrawn at times. It was clear they were very disturbed by something. I remember one instance when the children came over after a lengthy refusal of visitation. The oldest, Julia who was eight years old at the time, began calling me and Tyler by our first names again, instead of "mommy" and "daddy". While I didn't care what my step-children called me, I left it up to them, it was disturbing that they were now calling their father by HIS first name and they were referring to their step-father as "daddy". When I told Julia that it was inappropriate for her to call her father by his first name, she broke down crying. She yelled that "they make me call him (her step-father) daddy! I don't like him and don't want to call him daddy, but they make me!"
I knew exactly what Vera was doing. She had tried to alienate the children from us, and make her new husband their father. In essence, she was trying to remove us from their life so they could become one happy family. Unfortunately, it was taking its toll on the children. They were torn between being told to hate us, when they were with Vera, to loving us when they were with us. Vera was clearly trying to manipulate these children as to how they should feel. To please her, they did as she asked...hate us, but their deep down feelings were to love us. They were virtually in an emotional tug of war between pleasing their mother and their own feelings. The emotional pain these young children experienced, just to have two parents (or four in this case) was overwhelming to them. 
That determination by Vera has left long term effects on the children.  Even though decades later, she has brought many men into the children’s life, she continues to try to manipulate the children to hate their father and only love her.  Unfortunately, it has worked with one of the children.  We do not have a relationship with one child, Julia as an adult and the other’s determination to be part of our life literally destroyed her life with her mother.  Mandy did not want to follow Vera’s order to hate us and have nothing to do with us, like Julia did.  Mandy continues, as an adult, to be an important part of our life, while Julia chose not to have her father, me and half siblings in her life.  She is Vera’s best friend.  While that choice has hurt all of us tremendously, Julia is an adult and can make her own choices.  Julia has also followed her mother’s footsteps in life.  She is currently on her third marriage and has had a long list of men in her life too.  Luckily, she hasn’t had children to drag through the same experiences that she went through as a child.  That is, as of yet.
I’m telling our experience of parental alienation so others will know that keeping your children from their parent WILL have long term effects on them.  While you may think that they will always love you and never love their other parent by alienating them from the other parent, YOU ARE WRONG!  Children may always love you, but they may not respect you for what you have put them through.  Mandy despises her mother for what she put her through as a child and does not have a close relationship with her.  If you aren’t willing to risk losing your child emotionally, do not alienate them from the people they love.  This includes parent and extended family.
Many custodial parents alienate their child from the other parent to hurt them, to get even with them, or to control them.  My advice to parents that do that, while that might work for awhile in your eyes, it will only hurt you in the long run.  Children naturally love ALL the people in their lives.  They don’t understand that you hate your spouse and your actions are based on that.  They did not ask to be brought into your life, yet you use them as a pawn to hurt someone else.  Any loving parent will tell you that the most important person in their life, is their child(ren).  Taking that away from them begins the emotional destruction.
Obviously parental alienation is good for the safety of some children.  When one parent has been proven to physically hurt, endanger, neglect or abuse a child, it’s imperative that the child is removed until the parent receives help.  However, to “get even” or “hurt” the other parent, my opinion is the parent forcing the alienation should be punished and/or forced to take parenting classes.  Judges need to take action now in protecting our children!

US Custody Perspective - Sometimes there is that 1 in 10!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  We all go into divorce and the division of assets and time with kids, hoping for a modicum of harmony and as stated here, 9 out 10 times used to be the reality...Parental alienation, that evil demon whereby one parent is bent on keeping the other parent from the normal rigors of child rearing...has turned that number out of whack...while I have no concrete numbers...I am guessing it is more like 5 out of 10 cases go to highly conflictual levels where alienation plays a role...

Read on....

May 26 2011

Some Ideas On Child Custody Disputes

Published by Admin at 9:37 am under About Me,Blogging,General,Miscellaneous

Some Ideas On Child Custody Disputes
The question of custody is normally not questioned since the majority of partners want to do what is best for the children, and therefore they understand far better than anyone else which one of them is going to be more appropriate in the role of primary custodian. The fact is that 9 out of 10 individuals who are applying for a separation and divorce can accept the terms, and so child custody arguments are definitely the exception rather than the rule. The court would rather not to end up being placed in a situation where it has to adjudicate a child custody situation, and therefore mediation will regularly be ordered before the case will be heard. A 3rd party mediator will then enter the picture and work to move the issue in the direction of a resolution, enabling the couple to place the argument behind them and then proceed with the best interests of the children in mind.
When you have questions or worries about child custody disputes, the best divorce attorney Aurora Colorado will provide you with the help you’re looking for with all aspects of an Aurora CO divorce.

What a phenomenal idea! Thank you!

Alienated Parents Read for Children

Wpisał: Maciej Wojewódka

14.10.2009.

Alienated Parents Read for Children are social events, which have begun on Parental Alienation Awareness Day in Cracow (Poland) on April, 25th, 2009. The event consists of two integrated parts. Part 1 Alienated and separated parents from their children because of divorce or separation read books, keep contests for children and amuse them, as well! It is a public event for children. During part for children we do not talk about problems, which are discussed at the second part. Part 2 Seminar about emotional violence against children and about problems of sole-custodied children. It is an event for adults, professionals, parents and other intersting in these problems people. It is a part only for adults. After seminar, professionals which act at different fields, alienated and other people can talk to each other about their knowledge and experiences. Reading for children helps them to progress of sensitivity, memory, concentration, knowledge, ability of learning, empathy, self-assesmentand emotional skills. By dr Douglas Darnall Parental Alienation are "any constellation of behaviors, whether conscious or unconscious, that could evoke a disturbance in the relationship between a child and the other parent". Among harmful methods are child's fear and anxiety games, emotional blackmail, obstruction of meetings child and second parent and others.   Parental Alienation is emotional violence against a child and against a second parent.   In Poland, Alienated Parents Read for Children social events were hold under the patronage of Creativity and Innovation European Year 2009 and they are hold under honorary patronage of Polish Ombudsman for Children, continuesly.   In 2010  project Alienated Parents Read for Children became awarded by European Commission and Polish Ministry of National Education as the Leader of Creativity and Innovation European Year 2009 in Poland at the field of social initiatives.   Running: Parental Alienation Warning Committtee (Komitet Przestrogi przed Oddzieleniem Rodzica), website: www.kpor.pl (Presently only Polish language)   Author of Alienated Parents Read for Children social events: Mr Maciej Wojewódka   Photos (Polish and English description): http://maciejwojewodka.fotosik.pl/albumy/692403.html Discussion (Presently Polish language): http://www.goldenline.pl/forum/alienacja-rodzicielska/962578   Polish name for Alienated Parents Read for Children social events is Wyalienowani rodzice czytają dzieciom.   I encourage you to arrange similar events in your country, as well.

Interesting parental alienation organization

bubbles of love

I came across this today and what I read, is that there is a movement of change...get involved...and share this with a friend

A Kidnapped Mind

It is hard for any of us, who love and cherish our children, to think that our previous spouse would turn their little hearts and minds against us...but sadly, it is not just a dynamic at play,,,it is reaching epidemic proportions.  So we first look to the emotional carnage and toil its takes on these wee soldiers, who combat with themselves the notion of "true and false."...They will not be free from this cycle of hate until they are older and then what?  What do they believe..I like to say the proof is always in the evidence..but distorted lies, false truths can be convincing...Love is the truth, full stop. 

But I go back to previous comments..it is about money, particularly the lawyers...they get an angry, scorned, desperate person and then they do the math.....the longer the fight, the bigger their piggy bank,,,,I am not going to suggest that all lawyers are like this,,,they aren't....some even say that they won't take on your case bcs it is too complicated and contentious...but sadly, those seats are reserved for the few.

I want to tell a story about a woman who lost her children,,one small chapter at a time...I need to be clear, it is not me and any resemblance to my story is a coincidence in every way.

Chapter 1 - Girl Meets Boy

Family Assessments

If you are considering a family assessment...be thorough...do your homework, look at the track record.....this is a critical step in custody negotiations...remember at all times...it is simply opinion.  I know people who used a doctor by the name of Dr. Peter Sutton...he ruined their lives...he probably thought he was doing what was "by the book"..In their words, the only thing they got from him were invoices..

An assessment can assist in parenting and support but it can also create bias...caution is critical here...

A Kidnapped Mind

I came across this story that reveals the effects of "parental alienation" whereby a parent kidnaps a child emotionally..this story is as bad as it gets, but the truth is that we don't know the emotional effects until it is too late.....this has to stop...it is crippling the minds of children..they need both parents!  Unless there is abuse....to listen to the parental alienation piece it comes about a minute into the show

Follow this link to the CBC story of a Kidnapped Mind


The following text is copied from CBC, The Current

Parent Alienation Syndrome - Pamela Richardson
Divorces are often messy ... and Pamela Richardson's was no exception. After she and her husband split, her son Dashiell Hart grew distant from her -- alienated. She struggled to maintain contact with him, but in the end he took his own life.
Pamela Richardson wrote about her experience in a book called A Kidnapped Mind: A Mother's Heartbreaking Story of Parental Alienation Syndrome. Many mental health professionals speak of Parental Alienation Syndrome - - a scenario in which one parent takes steps to alienate children from the other parent... but it is not officially recognized in the so-called bible of the psychiatric profession -- the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders or DSM. That could change.
The American Psychiatric Association is considering including Parental Alienation Syndrome in the updated edition of the manual, the DSM-5. Pamela Richardson was in Vancouver to tell us about her experience.
Parent Alienation Syndrome - Rachel Klein
As we mentioned... The American Psychiatric Association is considering the addition of Parental Alienation Syndrome in its updated edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Health Disorders -- the DSM 5. But the issue is controversial.
Doctor Rachel Klein is a member of the DSM-5 Child and Adolescent Working Group. She's also the Fascitelli Family Professor of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry at the NYU School of Medicine and the Director of the Anita Saltz Institute for Anxiety and Mood Disorders.
Parent Alienation Syndrome - Panel

Joseph Goldberg is the founder of an organization called the Canadian Symposium for Parental Alienation Syndrome. Later this month, his group will host a conference in Montreal called Treatment Solutions for Alienated Children. Joseph Goldberg was in our Toronto studio. And Terry O'Neill is the President of the National Organization for Women. Her group opposes including Parental Alienation Syndrome in the DSM-5 and she was in Washington this morning.

Related Links:

• Parental alienation syndrome leaves bruises deep inside By Susan Pigg - Toronto Star
• NOW (National Organization for Women) to Denounce so-called Parental Alienation Syndrome (2006)
• National Organization for Women Admonishes Media for Giving
  Alec Baldwin a Platform for Misinformed Theories (2007)

Reforming the Family Court system

In Canada, the family court rooms are not anchored to a legal system...they are arbitration portals, David and Goliath universes, and a place where a families net worth evaporates.  The only winners are the lawyers....this is not based solely on my situation but on many other people's situations.  How does this affect our children, well, it means families downsize everything, while the lawyers elevate their lifestyles.  But the most critical effect is that those funds could be used to support a child's education, as I like to say "when we invest in kids education, we invest in progress, innovation, creativity and the possibility of everything."

So I throw this out, how do we impact this dynamic, how do we help families push through these situations with perspective and not animosity...I am not suggesting we can change the dynamics of the emotional pain of divorce, IMPOSSIBLE, but how do we coach and love those close to us on this and on a larger scale...how do we give lawyers a conscience.  I can tell you that I spent over $500,000 ...I don't say this to be boastful,,,bcs it financially killed me, but to show magnitude.  I asked my lawyer one day, the day I fired him, "do you realize I could have provided clean drinking water for a third world country?" 

I want to start a reform movement, and it is going to be anchored to eliminating parental alienation.  basically, not letting the courts arbitrate DNA....to be clear, if a child is in danger, I don't support the parent causing harm...

I will leave you with this,,,I have not seen my kids for 3 and 1/2 years...I have never hit them, never harmed them, taught them solid values, taught them how to ski, wakeboard, was the class mom, solidly focused on nutrition, had a home filled with laughter, love and values....so ask me,,,how did that happen to you...well that will be my next blog...the title  365 Days in a Rowboat....think about a rowboat at sea in a storm....unusual things will happen

From Love to Hate in 10 years or less...

It is hard to imagine that you can fall deeply madly in love with someone, have children and turn into "War of the Roses" but it happens more often than we imagine and it is really, really sad.  Particularly for the children......a friend of mine who is going through a horrible divorce said it best, we don't know how damaging it is for kids until they are much older....which makes you realize that the key is to keep your kids talking, feeling, crying, laughing, emoting....Silence is not to be trusted in these situations.  Let's get all of us talking about this epidemic of fighting over children

New blog on a very important topic

I have finally got this blog started.....it is dedicated to my kids....and to the kids of all my friends and those children that are pawns in custody battles...but it is also meant to inspire us to not look the other way, to get involved, to care and to teach the value of love and forgiveness....Please note...THIS IS NOT RELIGIOUS, but rather spiritual...

so let's get started together....let's turn the dynamic of parental alienation around and teach love..let's challenge the real perpetrators..the lawyers who bleed families dry with the false intent "to keep children safe".....here is my starting thought...if you are physically hurting your kids, sexually hurting them or emotionally destroying them,,,this blog is NOT for you...but if you are a David and Goliath victim whereby your kids have been stolen, I call it modern day kidnapping in any form, or your ex partner is brainwashing against you, or you are not getting support...then let's talk and collectively make a change, a difference in that name and honor of our kids....


talk to me, tell me your story...