Child support

Interesting article...

Child Support needs to be reformed…

December 29, 2011 by Staff  
Filed under Fatherhood, News, Opinion, Weekly Columns

1 Comment

(ThyBlackMan.com) I was on 1380 WAOK in Atlanta for an interesting interview this morning.  The conversation revolved around child support payments and the “Financial Abortions” concept that my Senior Editor, Kirsten West-Savali, brought to my attention just a couple of months ago.  The conversation expanded to child support in general, and I can say that I am clearly concerned about deadbeat parents who choose not to support their kids.  I don’t care if he’s buying diapers and visiting your child every weekend; he should also be using a chunk of his paycheck to help you pay the bills related to taking care of that child.
But the child support system is in serious need of reform.  In Atlanta over the holiday weekend, there were hundreds of parents sent to jail for non-payment of child support.  While I don’t entirely oppose the idea of sending the law after parents who don’t pay, I’m not quite sure how putting parents in jail is going to help the child.  Also, the law is quick to lock a man up for non-payment of child support, but they are not so interested in using their resources to help that father spend time with his kids.
I am an 18-year veteran of the child support system, and I’ve also taken responsibility for children who’ve been financially abandoned by their dads.  Additionally, my own biological father never paid a penny in child support to my knowledge, so I was also a victim of a dead beat dad as well.  So, I  understand the frustrations of losing parental rights, and I also understand why dead beat dads need to be dealt with.   The issue is a complex one,  but one thing that is abundantly clear is that the child support system, in its current form, is more likely to destroy a family than to sustain it.
Here are some things that need to be changed about the child support system:
1) Greater accountability on where the money is spent:  There is nothing more frustrating for a non-custodial parent than to pay hundreds (or even thousands) in child support, only to see that their child isn’t getting access to the money.  I know this reality from experience, and I’ve also heard from countless dads (and moms) who’ve taken care of their responsibilities, only to have their child calling to request money for things they can’t afford.
Money paid in child support should be tracked in some way, perhaps with a debit card to record expenses or some other form of verification.  A responsible parent is not paying child support for anyone to get their nails done.   At the same time, custodial parents should be allowed to submit a budget showing the magnitude of household expenses.  This is a clear reminder to the man paying $200 per month that this amount means almost nothing to a household that faces thousands of dollars per month in expenses – so no, your child isn’t going to have the entire check spent on new Air Jordans if his mother is trying to pay the light bill.
2) Solutions that strengthen families instead of punishing them:  Jail should be part of the accountability process, I truly believe that. But jail should not be a catchall solution for every problem.  Putting a parent in jail only helps the child if this punishment is supplemented with other methods to ensure that the relationship between father and child is strengthened as a result.  If the father wants nothing to do with the child, that’s one thing, but if the father somehow feels that his parental rights have been trampled and stolen from him, then something should be done to secure visitation or even partial custody as a result of paying child support on time.
In far too many cases, one parent chooses to hijack the child-rearing process, micromanaging everything the other parent does (“I don’t want my child in the car with your girlfriend, but you can’t say a thing about my boyfriend driving him around”).   It took two people to make the baby, so two people have the right to raise it.
Finally, garnishments and other solutions should be considered long before incarceration, and parents who are brought in by the police should be given an option to come up with a payment solution before being put in jail.   The point is that locking a man up punishes both the children in his home and the children outside his home, so we must think carefully before indulging the temptations of the “incarceration nation” that America has become.  Jail should be a last resort, and should also be part of a broader process to “encourage” men to become better dads.
3) Father’s rights should be laid on the table for discussion:  I’ll never forget when I asked the mean woman at the child support office what I could do about the fact that I wasn’t able to see my child on a regular basis.  Her response?  “If you don’t pay, you can be sent to jail.  But there’s nothing we can do about helping you to see your daughter.”  Sometimes, parents who try to do the right thing are punished more than those who evade the system.  Also, when a family struggles, we must grow beyond simply assuming that the man is always at fault – it usually takes two people to destroy a family, but in many black relationships, we are likely to hear just one side of the story.
In medicine, there is a “Patient’s Bill of Rights.”  In child support court, there should be a “Parent’s Bill of Rights.”  These rights should include the opportunity to spend time with your child, the right to representation to secure your parental rights, the right to accountability on where your money is spent, and maybe even the right to partial custody if you can’t afford to make child support payments.
The system should be modified to go after deadbeat parents with greater ferocity in order to protect children and responsible mothers.  But it should also protect ethical, hard-working dads from being harmed by situations in which child custody is being used as a weapon of mass destruction.  We learned over 200 years ago that there should not be taxation without representation.  But as it stands, some parents are being hit hard financially every single month and are only rewarded by a loss of dignity, parental alienation and the stigma of being called a deadbeat just because you don’t live with your child.  It’s time to start telling every side of the story.

Staff Writer; Dr. Boyce Watkins

Love is not something you eradicate....it just is

Inspiration for the alienated parent

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in
my heart) i am never without it (anywhere
i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)
                                  i fear
no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want
no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

Parental alienation is real...

This is a great resource to understanding parental alienation....this article is particularly succinct.....pass this on......

Parental Alienation Syndrome

By Richard Zwolinski, LMHC, CASAC

Parental Alienation Syndrome is real. It devastates and destroys. And more and more children, grown-up children, and targeted parents are coming forward to speak about their pain.
Parental Alienation Syndrome may be caused by one of the more damaging forms of child abuse you never heard of. And because PAS often involves the abuse of the legal system too,  the courts are beginning sit up and take notice.
Poison Parents
Or, as Toronto therapist Victoria Lorient-Faibish so aptly calls them, Amputative Parents. What are they? They are parents that seek to damage, destroy, deconstruct or even completely end their child’s relationship with their (former) spouse. In a nutshell, PAS is a syndrome caused by a specific type of abuse whereby one parent seeks revenge upon another, and will stop at nothing, to get that revenge. They will manipulate and abuse their children and exploit and lie to their children, family members, police, lawyers and the court system to effect that revenge.
A twelve-year study by the Family Law section of the American Bar Association showed that PAS abuse occurred to at least some extent in nearly 60 percent of divorces (the extent to which it occurred ranged from mild to extreme).  Even as little as three years ago, some people were denying PAS existed. And though it still doesn’t have it’s own section in the DSM, that doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. The DSM deletes and adds syndromes in each edition. Today, more and more mental health professionals recognize that this is a very real and tragic problem.
Although PAS abuse usually occurs during or after a divorce, some argue that it can happen during marriages as well. In these cases, the parent “dumps” their problems with the other parent on the child or sets up “gangs” within the family.
In any case, the victims are first and foremost children who don’t usually realize what’s happening to them (if they are older, and have a longer-term history with both parents, they may understand at some level what’s going on). These children live with the loss of a parent that’s as painful and stressful as a death, but are not allowed to grieve. They are taught to stuff those feelings of grief and to turn that pain and their natural love for their parent into hatred.
War
The abusive parent is usually referred to as the alienating parent and the maligned parent is called the target parent. The alienating parent effectively (sometimes overtly, sometimes subtly),  teaches the child to split. The target parent represents evil and the alienating parent represents perfection.
Children end up feeling so loyal to the alienating parent (often feeling that they have to protect him or her), that they subsume their own emotional needs in many cases. Even if the alienating parent emotionally or physically abuses them, the children will defend their actions. Because they perceive the target parent as having abandoned them, they want to avoid being abandoned again (by the alienating parent) at all costs. They’ll do anything to show their loyalty. They might curse, hit, not speak to, and exhibit other angry behaviors to the target parent.
The other victims, besides the children, are the target parents (and often grandparents). When mature target parents divorce, they want to avoid confrontation and prevent escalation in order to prevent further damage to the kids. But if the target parent doesn’t confront and expose the other parent, the abuse usually continues. It is a very painful spot for any parent to be in.
Last year we posted a very moving video of a young woman who is a survivor of PAS. And just last month, a distraught parent commented on one of our posts and posted the link to a very disturbing audio content of an abusive spouse/parent who was maligning a former spouse.
This is simply one of the most devastating kinds of abuse children can go through-they don’t have a chance to form healthy bonds with either parent and now that we have studied a generation in which this has happened, we can determine the effects are long-lasting.  Although divorce is never a walk in the park for kids, emotionally mature and compassionate parents put the children before themselves and do their utmost to present a united front when child-rearing during divorce. PAS destroys any chance of normalcy.
The parent who has custody is obligated by law to avoid any disruptions in the children’s relationship with the other parent. However, a shocking number of custodial parents break the law by doing everything in their power to destroy their children’s relationship with their other parent by “forgetting” visitations, disrupting visitations in numerous ways, or simply moving, sometimes far away, and leaving no forwarding address.
Grandparents, Too
One of the tell-tale signs of potential Parental Alienation Syndrome is when the alienating parent prevents the children from having any relationship with grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins on the target parent’s side. The alienating parent may malign the grandparents to the point where the children resist forming a relationship with them or they might set up impenetrable blocks to visits with grandparents, aunts and uncles, and cousins. In cases where target parents are cut off (such as when the alienating parent moves to another state or country) they’ll cut off the extended family, too.
Manipulating Others
Another tactic the alienating parent uses involves neighbors and community members. He or she might conscript them as allies against the children’s other parent before, during, and after the divorce.
How to tell if you are being used? You’ll hear stories that never quite make sense and there may be inconsistencies. Remember, an alienating parent is doing everything possible to cut off the relationship between the children and the target parent in order to punish the other parent. A common tactic is to accuse the target parent of things that are difficult or impossible to prove.
He or she is constantly seeking your sympathy and stoking your outrage because an alliance with you is necessary. You might be needed to reinforce the children’s image of the target parent as all bad. You might be needed to reinforce the lies. In many cases the alienating parent will enlist allies with specific qualifications and everyone from social workers to clergy members becomes their “best-friend” while the divorce and custody battles are going on. If your skills aren’t needed after the case ends you’ll be dropped. You’ll be told that “seeing you brings up painful memories” or your calls will simply not be answered.
Get Help
What can you do if you an adult child who’s been the victim of an alienating parent?  Call a therapist, especially one who has experience in this area. Some of the videos and other resources, below will be very helpful.
What to do if you are an adult who is the target parent? I recommend you get therapy yourself as well as seek top-notch legal help. Remember, though, the alienating parent is incapable of loving and caring for his/her children and will never put their needs first. Once the children find out how they’ve been manipulated and lied to, they will not only be struggling with the loss of their relationship with you, but will have to do a lot of inner work to accept that it was the parent who was supposed to protect and love them, who shattered their lives.
If you are the grandparent or relative of children (or adults) who is the victim of an alienating parent, speak to an expert and ask them what’s the best, safest way to help the children and maintain a relationship with them.
PAS is something that I have encountered many times. In the past couple of years, it is finally beginning to be recognized as the serious problem it is. I would like to share with you links to resources and information.
An excellent white-paper on the topic, required reading for anyone who’s been a victim (and anyone who’s even thinking about alienating their children from their other parent-the results will devastate your children and hurt them for their entire lives).
Our recent favorite, Toronto-based therapist Victoria Lorient-Faibish, hits the nail on the head with a video response to an alienated son and a direct recommendation to alienating parents or anyone who is even thinking about becoming an alienating parent. (Here’s Victoria’s web site).
PAS expert, attorney Amy Baker’s essential book on PAS, Adult Children of Parental Alienation Syndrome: Breaking the Ties That Bind. Although it’s intended readership is the grown-up child of an alienating parent, target parents, attorneys, judges, and therapists all can benefit from reading this candid and intelligent book.
A Family’s Heartbreak tells the personal story of PAS.
Here’s the moving video story an extreme case of PAS where one parent simply takes off with the child, cutting off all ties. It’s the case of Scott Becker and his daughter April,reunited after his daughter April was taken from him by her mom at the age of two months. (Grab some kleenex). As in some cases, reunion may not be possible for a variety of reasons until the child becomes an adult.
Video of speaker at Canadian Symposium for Parental Alienation. The speaker (mentioned above), is lawyer, Amy Baker, who talks about the devastating consequences of PAS. It is an excellent introduction to PAS and is required viewing. Here is part 2, essential viewing to understanding the “head trip”, however there’s a caveat: the disdain for one parent and the absolute love for another depends on the age of the child and is rarely as black and white as it is presented here.

The Holidays

The holidays are a kaleidoscope of love, excitement, tension, stress and can be overwhelming.  Throw in parental alienation tactics and you almost feel you can't breathe.  I had the good fortune of spending a few days before Christmas with a fellow victim of parental alienation.  It was great to hear the perspective of a father, his pain, frustration and anger.  I am a mother, so my view was skewed and I deal with the common adage, "well the courts side with the mother so you must of done something really bad."  Sadly not the case......he has taught me a new empathy.  Know this, the family court is NOT a legal system, it is an arbitration system.  Who knows who, vague decisions on big matters.  Motions, affidavits, David and Goliath and may the richest man win in this game.  But this could only be if one parent wanted the war and to alienate. 

It is almost irreconcilable to understand why you cannot talk to your children the gifts you brought into this world, the children you loved and nurtured on Christmas Day.....to say how much you love them, to hear their excitement and general happiness about how fun Christmas morning is.  I was greatful for the photos taken of them with the gifts I gave them.  A guess the consolation prize for enduring natural childbirth and sleepless nights for years. Add the fact that I never car pooled them, made all their lunches, taught them about nutrition,  empathy and compassion.  I a marvel that an alienator would not ever allow them to send me a Christmas card,,,,,what kind of values is that teaching I wonder.  You give a card to neighbor or teacher, but no kids, not your mother.  Did I mention I gave them life?  It is truly insanity you realize. 

But like anything, when you put your situation on the world wide stage, you realize there is suffering beyond yours, hunger, abuse, disease so you allow the crazy dynamics of hope and faith to sneak in and if you let them, they dry your tears.  But I am not too proud to tell you, I cried for hours over my kids yesterday.......That said, love is pure between a child and parent, alienation can cause damage, no question, but it cannot steal truth.  While estranged, I know my children love me, no matter what has been said.

I wanted to send a message to those of you who missed out on the holidays with your kids, there is hope no matter what your circumstances are.  Neither parent owns their children, we selfishly brought them into the world to express ourselves in the ultimate way.... they own themselves and their nature and souls will guide them to you. I found solace in Khalhil Gibran's prose, "we bring our children to life and set them free"

I am completely certain few things, but I am sure my children weren't faking it when they held me in the night and woke up saying, "Mommy I can't live for out you."  Love will guide them and if you believe in God, then know that he has a plan.  That which doesn't kill us makes us stronger.

Happy New Year