Haven't posted a blog for awhile, been distracted with preparing to go to court once again to garner therapeutic access to my 14 year old daughter. Was in court in July on the matter and while I was not declined, I had to meet the disclosure requirements of an old order for information from 2002. Now I ask, how is that relevant. But I have come to realize that a Justice can issue an order that is reasonable or unreasonable, depending "aribtrarily" on their opinion in the family courts in Canada.
To say reform is required is an understatement. For a justice to make a decision on the therapeutic and psychological needs of a child, where there is no physical, sexual or emotional abuse, is really just a matter of opinion. And frankly, I have come to realize that my kids have no voice whatsoever so essentially my ex-husband, his lawyer and the Justice have decided the needs of my child without any psychological assessments or opinion. Injustice for both my daughter, my son and myself.
But to fight with a fight will just end in more hate. So I embarked on a spiritual journey, asking God for help, praying, pleading and more prayer. That has been a year and sadly, I don't believe God controls the family courts either.
So as I embark on yet another trip to the courtroom in April, armed with dated, stale and dusty disclosure that has NO relevance, I now pray for the strength to deal with what I trust will be more injustice. Does that make me negative. Hmmm, I have held out hope for over 8 years, exhausted my net worth, destroyed years of my life and who knows what effect that has had on my children. Because sadly, the effects of living without a parent may not rear themselves for years when they marry or have their own kids, or get hit with some form of mental illness or addiction.
I say it is the family court system that plays God, and that is a sad statement about justice.
Friday, 20 March 2015
Thursday, 20 February 2014
Family Structures through Divorce
Family systems theory describes families as operating like the solar system: each member of the family has a “pull” on every other member of the family – like gravity pulls planets towards each other and other forces push them away, so that they stay in balance spinning around each other in a predictable orbit. Family systems have many common characteristics, including the following:
They are powerful: Family systems are a powerful source of support. You can take them for granted. Family members will consistently act in predictable ways, so you don’t have to guess each day. You can focus on what your tasks are and respond fairly automatically to each other. In this regard, a family system is like a personality – very predictable, so that you know what you can get from whom, when and where without putting a lot of energy into thinking about it. Family systems have built houses, companies (family businesses are everywhere) and nations (dynasties). For example, most successful Olympic athletes, musicians and actors had strong family support – from a very young age. The family system organized itself around their success.
They seek stability: A family system develops standard ways of doing things. The whole family participates in enforcing its code of conduct, values and roles people play in it. Even young children tell each other, their parents and their toys how they should or shouldn’t behave, which helps them learn the rules of the family system and follow them. Family secrets are kept, so that the family system is not thrown off balance. The more dysfunctional the family, the more rigid the roles to help keep it stable, the more extreme behavior and the more secrets to keep it as stable as possible. Everyone is part of the family system – no member is an “island.”
They create roles: In every family system, everyone develops a role. One member talks a lot and another may be quiet. One person is highly competent at one skill and another is good at something else. In traditional family systems, especially in rural societies, the roles have been very clear-cut. In modern times, roles are more flexible and may overlap, as family members interact with the larger society. This can cause instability, so that the family may spend more time arguing over roles or members may simply leave the family system and have little or no contact.
They are part of larger social systems: Family systems, like “nuclear families” (two parents and their child or children), are part of larger extended families, which are part of communities, which are part of regional cultures, which are part of nations and world social systems. The values, rules and behaviors of these larger social systems strongly influence smaller family social systems. As one changes, so do the others – but not necessarily happily so.
They are resistant to change: In times of threat from outside of a family system, the family can be very powerful, because everyone automatically knows how to behave and what their roles are. Regardless of internal squabbles, family systems can be strong in jointly warding off danger – especially threats to the family system. This includes resistance to positive changes. They maintain the status quo at all costs. They don’t let people change their behavior very much. They are always aiming for stability, like a ship at sea trying to balance itself in a storm.
In terms of the separation and divorce process (we now speak of “separation and divorce” because so many couples no longer get married), the relationship of Family Court to family systems has changed dramatically in the past few decades.
Individual over the family: Divorce laws gave social permission for people to get divorced at will, simply due to “irreconcilable differences.” If one person wants a divorce, they will have it. This creates an ease of disruption that impacts the whole family system. Rather than having skills to cope with these significant changes, many families instinctively put all their energy into resisting these changes in order to stabilize the family system – either by engaging in abusive behavior or publically blaming each other in an effort to get the public to force them to behave.
Lack of continuity: Families don’t last to raise the children in one household. The average age of children when their parents divorce is around 6 or 7 today. This means that they will be raised in two households longer than they were raised in one household all together.
Equal roles: In the past, one family member was the “breadwinner” and the other raised the children. In divorce 20-30 years ago, one family member often left the family system and the remaining parent raised the children. Now, both parents are expected to work and both want to raise the children. Both need new skills for cooperating in ways they never did before.
Starting around the 1990’s, surprising changes occurred. Methods such as mediation and attorney negotiation took over the role of courts in family decision-making. Lawyers and mediators simply educated the parties about the laws that had been established over the prior 20 years and the parties started avoiding court all together.
But at the same time, the remaining cases in family courts started to focus on family violence, restraining orders, child alienation and supervised visitation. These were the families who were unable to make the shift to the “new world family order.” Much of the family violence was perpetrated by men who saw themselves in the traditional role of being “head of the family.” Their violence (often reactive and unplanned) was aimed at keeping their wives in the family and under their control. Much of the alienation and false allegations were perpetrated by women who saw themselves in the traditional role of “in charge of the children.” Their efforts (often unconscious) seemed to be to resist the changes to equal roles in shared parenting.
Non-adversarial methods are needed for today’s family court cases. That is why methods such as mediation, collaborative divorce, attorneys assisting in negotiations and judicial dispute resolution are the way of the future – especially for these family systems in pain and resistant to the changes of the larger society. This is why skills training is needed for the whole family to help the whole family system go through these changes and into new forms.
Family systems – especially dysfunctional family systems – will resist family courts until we learn these lessons. This is not to say that there is not a role for family courts – it’s a different role which needs new knowledge and skills for understanding and managing dysfunctional family systems and their common mental health issues today.
They are powerful: Family systems are a powerful source of support. You can take them for granted. Family members will consistently act in predictable ways, so you don’t have to guess each day. You can focus on what your tasks are and respond fairly automatically to each other. In this regard, a family system is like a personality – very predictable, so that you know what you can get from whom, when and where without putting a lot of energy into thinking about it. Family systems have built houses, companies (family businesses are everywhere) and nations (dynasties). For example, most successful Olympic athletes, musicians and actors had strong family support – from a very young age. The family system organized itself around their success.
They seek stability: A family system develops standard ways of doing things. The whole family participates in enforcing its code of conduct, values and roles people play in it. Even young children tell each other, their parents and their toys how they should or shouldn’t behave, which helps them learn the rules of the family system and follow them. Family secrets are kept, so that the family system is not thrown off balance. The more dysfunctional the family, the more rigid the roles to help keep it stable, the more extreme behavior and the more secrets to keep it as stable as possible. Everyone is part of the family system – no member is an “island.”
They create roles: In every family system, everyone develops a role. One member talks a lot and another may be quiet. One person is highly competent at one skill and another is good at something else. In traditional family systems, especially in rural societies, the roles have been very clear-cut. In modern times, roles are more flexible and may overlap, as family members interact with the larger society. This can cause instability, so that the family may spend more time arguing over roles or members may simply leave the family system and have little or no contact.
They are part of larger social systems: Family systems, like “nuclear families” (two parents and their child or children), are part of larger extended families, which are part of communities, which are part of regional cultures, which are part of nations and world social systems. The values, rules and behaviors of these larger social systems strongly influence smaller family social systems. As one changes, so do the others – but not necessarily happily so.
They are resistant to change: In times of threat from outside of a family system, the family can be very powerful, because everyone automatically knows how to behave and what their roles are. Regardless of internal squabbles, family systems can be strong in jointly warding off danger – especially threats to the family system. This includes resistance to positive changes. They maintain the status quo at all costs. They don’t let people change their behavior very much. They are always aiming for stability, like a ship at sea trying to balance itself in a storm.
Today’s Social Changes Regarding Marriage
Since about 1970, there have been dramatic changes in our larger social systems and within families around the world. We are shifting from fairly rigid family structures to quite flexible family structures. Freedom to divorce, gay marriage, multi-racial households, children born to unmarried parents, people living alone and a multitude of other changes are having unpredictable affects on the future of family systems and larger social systems.In terms of the separation and divorce process (we now speak of “separation and divorce” because so many couples no longer get married), the relationship of Family Court to family systems has changed dramatically in the past few decades.
Individual over the family: Divorce laws gave social permission for people to get divorced at will, simply due to “irreconcilable differences.” If one person wants a divorce, they will have it. This creates an ease of disruption that impacts the whole family system. Rather than having skills to cope with these significant changes, many families instinctively put all their energy into resisting these changes in order to stabilize the family system – either by engaging in abusive behavior or publically blaming each other in an effort to get the public to force them to behave.
Lack of continuity: Families don’t last to raise the children in one household. The average age of children when their parents divorce is around 6 or 7 today. This means that they will be raised in two households longer than they were raised in one household all together.
Equal roles: In the past, one family member was the “breadwinner” and the other raised the children. In divorce 20-30 years ago, one family member often left the family system and the remaining parent raised the children. Now, both parents are expected to work and both want to raise the children. Both need new skills for cooperating in ways they never did before.
The Changing Role of Family Court
From approximately the 1970s to the 1990’s, family courts have been setting divorce policies that define these changes. Parenting is supposed to include “significant time” with both parents. Both parents are supposed to earn an income and child support and spousal support are supposed to adjust for differences in earning ability. Former spouses are free to engage in sexual activity of their own choosing. “Get over it” is a common expression heard in family courts, when one party resists the changes of the other. The individual is primary now. During this time period, the divorce rate rose to about fifty percent of marriages. Courts made decisions, the parties’ followed the court’s authority and new family routines were established.Starting around the 1990’s, surprising changes occurred. Methods such as mediation and attorney negotiation took over the role of courts in family decision-making. Lawyers and mediators simply educated the parties about the laws that had been established over the prior 20 years and the parties started avoiding court all together.
But at the same time, the remaining cases in family courts started to focus on family violence, restraining orders, child alienation and supervised visitation. These were the families who were unable to make the shift to the “new world family order.” Much of the family violence was perpetrated by men who saw themselves in the traditional role of being “head of the family.” Their violence (often reactive and unplanned) was aimed at keeping their wives in the family and under their control. Much of the alienation and false allegations were perpetrated by women who saw themselves in the traditional role of “in charge of the children.” Their efforts (often unconscious) seemed to be to resist the changes to equal roles in shared parenting.
Why the Adversarial Process Fails Today
Today, the family court process of litigation has been abandoned by most families, who can make their decisions out of court – with or without professional assistance. They have the skills to cooperate at a level that can manage the transitions that go with their new family structures. The families who are going to court today are those who do not have the negotiation skills nor the emotional healing skills to manage on their own. Yet putting them through the traditional litigation process simple exaggerates their resistance to everything – changing roles, loss of partners and shared parenting. Many of these families have one or two parents with personality disorders – which are increasing during this time of rapid change in our society. The adversarial process makes them behave worse and does little to truly understand their underlying problems.Non-adversarial methods are needed for today’s family court cases. That is why methods such as mediation, collaborative divorce, attorneys assisting in negotiations and judicial dispute resolution are the way of the future – especially for these family systems in pain and resistant to the changes of the larger society. This is why skills training is needed for the whole family to help the whole family system go through these changes and into new forms.
Family systems – especially dysfunctional family systems – will resist family courts until we learn these lessons. This is not to say that there is not a role for family courts – it’s a different role which needs new knowledge and skills for understanding and managing dysfunctional family systems and their common mental health issues today.
Tuesday, 11 February 2014
Sunday, 9 February 2014
Monday, 27 January 2014
I thought I would republish this....
A Poem for the innocent children who are told "To soldier on"
Dear God,
Tonight I see a midnight sky, stars ordered in brilliant disarray, the man on the moon, the little dipper, the big dipper too, the two star collections that Harry and I call the "mommy dream catchers."
Tucked in my bed, the smell of mommy's perfume lingering on my pillow, her picture in my hand, I anxiously wait for velvet bear...that is mommy's nickname for my big brother Harry....We do this every night just to peek for the shooting star, hands outreached, we giggle as we try to catch her..."Harry quick, that's her, see? That is mommy's sky message!" I close my eyes, make a wish and blow her a kiss, my lips on hers. Tender.
God, can she feel me?
Pensive and teary velvet bear gently rolls his head to me and says, "yeah silly goose, that's her." As I reach for his hand, I whisper, "I love you velvet bear, hold me tight on this starry night." Does Harry know his heart can cry too?
God do you see her, can you touch her? Please hold her tight, I am so worried she is afraid....she always left a light on. It's too dark outside for her....
I wipe his tears and kiss his cheek, solid soldier he has become, my hero. We soldier on. We do as we are told.
Our nightly ritual, secretly held, we know no one can bear witness so our dream catcher is on guard, our fingers entangle, a nest we make with hopes she will fall from the midnight sky, it feels so real. Mommy we are here, fall into our love.
God can you feel us, we are here.
A box of treasured memories hidden deep in our hearts, a lifetime of love and adventure cut short, abruptly torn from our souls. A locket of blonde hair, cards beginning to fade, tattered corners from my endless need for them. Every word locked in my mind. Over and over.
But God, we do as we are told, silent soldiers we have become.
A summer day, we water the butterfly tree......a gift from mommy...she is our papillion, we marvel at the splendor of her, her eyes would always twinkle when we shrieked at the first flutter creature of summer, we chase the whirring wings and softly the dance is done as she lands with ease, gently, so gently...butterfly kisses.....lash to lash, love to love, hope.
God can you see her fly? Unwrap her wings for me.
We crave her laughter, her tales of that silly spaceship that made us fall into the softness of our beds, my magic purse and songs so goofy we just had to dance. God please know that our stage needs more than two to Tango.
But we soldier on, clickity clak and rinny tin tin, rusty soldiers we become.....but we do as we are told.
God I am still so small and my world is a maze with thoughts of hope, candy floss, merry-go- rounds and simple things, my shoulders hurt, my feet ache, I can no longer soldier on.
We can no longer soldier on....please end our war, please hear our prayers, we can no longer soldier on.
Good night midnight sky. Good night mommy.
Love Skylar
Tonight I see a midnight sky, stars ordered in brilliant disarray, the man on the moon, the little dipper, the big dipper too, the two star collections that Harry and I call the "mommy dream catchers."
Tucked in my bed, the smell of mommy's perfume lingering on my pillow, her picture in my hand, I anxiously wait for velvet bear...that is mommy's nickname for my big brother Harry....We do this every night just to peek for the shooting star, hands outreached, we giggle as we try to catch her..."Harry quick, that's her, see? That is mommy's sky message!" I close my eyes, make a wish and blow her a kiss, my lips on hers. Tender.
God, can she feel me?
Pensive and teary velvet bear gently rolls his head to me and says, "yeah silly goose, that's her." As I reach for his hand, I whisper, "I love you velvet bear, hold me tight on this starry night." Does Harry know his heart can cry too?
God do you see her, can you touch her? Please hold her tight, I am so worried she is afraid....she always left a light on. It's too dark outside for her....
I wipe his tears and kiss his cheek, solid soldier he has become, my hero. We soldier on. We do as we are told.
Our nightly ritual, secretly held, we know no one can bear witness so our dream catcher is on guard, our fingers entangle, a nest we make with hopes she will fall from the midnight sky, it feels so real. Mommy we are here, fall into our love.
God can you feel us, we are here.
A box of treasured memories hidden deep in our hearts, a lifetime of love and adventure cut short, abruptly torn from our souls. A locket of blonde hair, cards beginning to fade, tattered corners from my endless need for them. Every word locked in my mind. Over and over.
But God, we do as we are told, silent soldiers we have become.
A summer day, we water the butterfly tree......a gift from mommy...she is our papillion, we marvel at the splendor of her, her eyes would always twinkle when we shrieked at the first flutter creature of summer, we chase the whirring wings and softly the dance is done as she lands with ease, gently, so gently...butterfly kisses.....lash to lash, love to love, hope.
God can you see her fly? Unwrap her wings for me.
We crave her laughter, her tales of that silly spaceship that made us fall into the softness of our beds, my magic purse and songs so goofy we just had to dance. God please know that our stage needs more than two to Tango.
But we soldier on, clickity clak and rinny tin tin, rusty soldiers we become.....but we do as we are told.
God I am still so small and my world is a maze with thoughts of hope, candy floss, merry-go- rounds and simple things, my shoulders hurt, my feet ache, I can no longer soldier on.
We can no longer soldier on....please end our war, please hear our prayers, we can no longer soldier on.
Good night midnight sky. Good night mommy.
Love Skylar
Changes in the Courts attitude
I am headed to court on a "reintegration" strategy with my children. After years of approaching the courts from many vantage points, exhausting my net worth, depleting my hope and sense of self and pushing myself further into self hatred that fuelled my addiction, I feel hope.
It is a therapeutic intervention in the most simple sense. A request, that despite addiction issues have been at play, that a child deserves the right to know its birth parent. A child should be allowed to choose what type of relationship to have with the parent that has suffered from addiction. Because this parent is and will always be a part of him or her.
The Courts, having been lobbied by leading lawyers and therapists, have finally decided it is time to build bridges in families as opposed to tearing them apart.
More to follow....
Stay positive.
It is a therapeutic intervention in the most simple sense. A request, that despite addiction issues have been at play, that a child deserves the right to know its birth parent. A child should be allowed to choose what type of relationship to have with the parent that has suffered from addiction. Because this parent is and will always be a part of him or her.
The Courts, having been lobbied by leading lawyers and therapists, have finally decided it is time to build bridges in families as opposed to tearing them apart.
More to follow....
Stay positive.
Tuesday, 10 July 2012
For more information on the following post, go to Divorce For Men by Carey Linde....
posted on
posted on
Parental Alienation is a disorder found in many children with
divorcing parents. This syndrome is an estrangement of the child from
one parent, caused by the intentional (or unconcious) efforts of the
other parent. The process involves the alienating parent making
defamatory comments and hostile statements about the target parent in
front of the child on a regular basis, in an effort to manipulate the
child’s feelings towards them.
This results in the child displaying hostile behaviour, including insulting, humiliating and belittling comments, agression, and false accusations towards the target parent. The comments, accusations, and statements are ongoing and almost always unjustified. This behaviour can extend to the target parent’s friends and family as well.
Carey Linde was one of the first lawyers in Canada, and remains senior, in the field of Parental Alienation and Parental Alienation Syndrome. He is experienced in filing against the parent who has set out to alienate a child from the other parent, sabatoge the bond between the child and that parent, and in every possible way remove that parent and their family from the life of the child.
The lawyers at the Law Offices of Carey Linde strongly believe that every child needs both parents equally in their lives. Their goal is to overcome any obstacles necessary in order to ensure that this happens. The best interest of the children involved is always the primary goal, and their experience in handling this kind of difficult situation helps make the process less trying for their clients.
For more information on Parental Alienation, please see our PAS Resources Section.
This section can be found on Divorce For Men - Carey Linde
This results in the child displaying hostile behaviour, including insulting, humiliating and belittling comments, agression, and false accusations towards the target parent. The comments, accusations, and statements are ongoing and almost always unjustified. This behaviour can extend to the target parent’s friends and family as well.
Carey Linde was one of the first lawyers in Canada, and remains senior, in the field of Parental Alienation and Parental Alienation Syndrome. He is experienced in filing against the parent who has set out to alienate a child from the other parent, sabatoge the bond between the child and that parent, and in every possible way remove that parent and their family from the life of the child.
The lawyers at the Law Offices of Carey Linde strongly believe that every child needs both parents equally in their lives. Their goal is to overcome any obstacles necessary in order to ensure that this happens. The best interest of the children involved is always the primary goal, and their experience in handling this kind of difficult situation helps make the process less trying for their clients.
For more information on Parental Alienation, please see our PAS Resources Section.
This section can be found on Divorce For Men - Carey Linde
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